I’m a “mature” student not an old student - damn you pesky kids!

There’s a tingling in my stomach, I don’t feel hungry, but I’m starving, and I have lost count of the number of times I’ve visited the toilet! From this you would probably assume I was ill. But, I am in fact preparing myself for an Open day at Winchester University. And it’s a mix of nerves and excitement overwhelming me that is also making me pick up a pen to put in my pencil case knowing full well that there are 5 in there already. So after bidding farewell to Dan and the girls I merrily skipped out the front gate and off down the street.

The trip itself went like clockwork and I gave myself a pat on the back for arriving at Gosport ferry just in time to step aboard as she set sail for Portsmouth dock, followed by arriving at Portsmouth train station 15 minutes before my train departed. I tried to psychically thank the train driver too when we arrived 30 minutes early for my meeting at Winchester. As I disembarked the train though I discovered my printed directions were useless in reality, so I began walking in the general direction of the University, cleverly using the sun and the rail way line to navigate. My theory was as long as I don’t cross it I will eventually stumble across the Uni. (Assuming I was on the correct side already of course). As I picked up a steady pace I noticed a group always one road ahead of me, until I reached a dead end. The options from here were to go through a cemetery or up a steep curved hill and unfortunately the group I seemed to be following had disappeared, so I turned right and began the climb. Yep I’m a chicken and would endure any Mount Everest over walking through a grave yard – even in daylight!

Just as my legs were cursing me for being such a chicken I caught sight of the group half way up the hill. They had stopped and were looking around like a family of Meerkats looking for danger. I quickly caught them up and discovered they too were lost looking for the Uni. For some reason, maybe so they wouldn’t think I had been following them or had chickened out of going through the grave yard, I said I knew the way. What was I thinking!? I’m going off my instinct, which has nearly always taken me miles in the wrong direction in the past. To save myself even more embarrassment I quickly offered to go on ahead of the group and let them know when (if) I found the Uni. I began the climb again, kicking myself, especially when I reached the summit and could only see a Prison and a Hospital! Turning left I started to think about how mad these people would be when I had led them miles away from the Uni. And worse still my weary legs were screaming that they would not be able to run from a beating. Thankfully not far up the road I spotted the lovely blue sign of “Winchester University West Downs Campus” Phew! My legs and pride were spared this time. I waved back to the group like an excited explorer having just discovered the treasure, and they waved back in appreciation, then I quickly shot down the road and into the campus to get lost in the crowds.

After the introductory speech I found myself in a group of 12 people and noticed all were teenagers being escorted by one or both of their parents. I took solace in walking alongside the guide and chatting about her course, which coincidently was the same course I was hoping to study. During the tour the rest of the group didn’t utter a word and marched around like robots. I decided to ask questions about the accommodation, even though I wouldn’t be using it, just so the guide didn’t feel obsolete, which I think she appreciated.

Thankfully I managed to lose this bunch of robots at the shuttle buses to the Kind Alfred Campus, but it was short lived as I was grouped together with a different bunch of robots and their robot parents at the other end! More tours of the campus followed and yet again I found myself asking the most questions. Eventually I arrived back at the Stripe for a lecture on my course and picked up a rainforest’s worth of leaflets and booklets. On my way out of the building I also scored myself a Winchester University pen to accompany the bag, books and now leaflets I had collected along the way.

I walked out the door of the Stripe, cup of tea in one hand and a chocolate muffin in the other and started my journey back home. On the way back to the train station, via the town centre (done deliberately- not getting lost and stumbling across it accidently...honest!) I noticed Winchester University signs pointing back in the direction I had come and kicked myself for not spotting these earlier in the day! But I chuckled to myself and walked on – It wouldn’t have been fun if I hadn’t made an arse of myself in some way. I reminisced over my day and in between snoozing on the train I thought about the next challenge ahead of me. I need to write an outstanding Personal Statement if I want to stand any chance of getting into this great Uni. And if I manage it I will of course post it on here so you can have a good laugh at me trying to big myself up.

Another Catch Up

Yet again I find myself apologising to an invisible audience - Oh well – Sorry!

It’s been non-stop for the last couple of months which appears to be the norm in my life at the moment. And because of this I’m not even sure where to start, but here goes...

Working at the Primary School

Week 1 – An awkward start. The first day was strange. I found myself a good spot across the room from the teacher, as she asked, and leaned against a cabinet. I began scanning the room, trying to psychoanalyse the children in front of me with one question at the top of my mind...who was good and who was bad. Soon I found myself wandering back and forth across the room telling children to stop swinging on their chairs, or fiddling with their pencil case, which made too much noise while the teacher, was trying to do the register. As well as noting who says “Yes miss” as she calls out their names so I can also make a mental note for future reference.

While I am perched on my cabinet, I notice sideways glances being fired my way and realised the children are also trying to psychoanalyse...myself and the teacher. You could almost feel the blue ray (like Eve in Wall-E as she searches for plant life) as they scan you up and down trying to figure out if we are humans or robots and if we will be nice or nasty teachers. I would hope I was firm but fair, but I guess only time will tell.

The day went as well as could be expected with two completely new staff, not entirely sure of this school’s system, or what level each child is at on each subject, let alone their names! For a while I decided to call all of them ‘Bob’ or for the girls ‘Bobette’ to make my life easier. The only problem is when you ask bob to go and grab and pencil sharpener all the boys at the table leap up. So I’m going to have to learn names I guess!

By the end of the week I have mastered most names, began filling our display boards and made myself useful with the photocopier, guillotine and stapler – all great fun!

Week 2 – Finding our feet. The teacher had been busy over the weekend and seems to have found her feet now, as she approached me on Monday morning with a timetable of what I could do each day Super! So now I have a structured week:

Mornings – Reading with individual children, and assisting different groups with Maths and Literacy

Afternoon – Handwriting skills - This is proving a lesson for myself as well as the children, since I gave up trying to join my writing way back in Secondary school.* And assisting with whatever lesson we have that day.

Week 3 – The children’s revenge. It would appear the honeymoon period is over. This week at least three have been trying to wind me up, by constantly swinging on their chair, not doing as they were asked and generally making a nuisance of themselves in the classroom. But I still go home on Friday with a smile on my face – I must be out of my mind!

Week 4 – The dreaded school trip. A day out should be a refreshing change from the classroom for the children and the teachers, but unfortunately this day was bad from the start. Firstly I had to have my photograph taken! (Not a great disaster you may think, but just you wait – I may scare you all by posting it on here! Then the bus ride to the site was so noisy a headache was beginning to form and for some reason my mind had been erased of all tunes and other forms of bus entertainment to calm them down. We got lost on the way. Our groups went wild at the first site, and I spent most of it escorting a certain delightful child around, until they were eventually taken back to the school. And finally we were had up by a busy body off duty police officer for apparently having some form of abuse made at her from our bus! All oblivious to me as even though they were at the back I never heard any abuse being uttered. On a positive note it was actually a fantastic day out, our groups were super during the second half of the day (maybe because of the troublesome child been removed?) and I went home with a smile on my face even when I arrived two hours later than normal, and feeling completely shattered.

The issue with the police officer was resolved the next day. Although as far as I was concerned she misconceived what had been said (if anything) and is just one of those people who let power go to their heads! Maybe she hates all children too?

Week 5 – Artists at the ready. A surprising change to the time table occurred this week. Instead of a lesson in Tudor History we were to be designing Christmas cards. The only problem I have is it’s only October! There is nothing worse than being reminding how long it is to Christmas.

While the teacher read the register out and relayed today’s tasks to the children I quickly sketched one Christmas scene and using a tray of shapes constructed another, for the not so artistic children, to inspire them to produce something fantastic for their own cards. I handed my rough works of art to the teacher, who responded fanatically about them and quickly held up the work for the children to see and then went on to say “You are in charge of all art work from now!” I just gulped and smiled a nervous smile back at her.

Here's one I made earlier.

Back to college

After being fairly disappointed that I couldn’t attend college again this year because it would clash with work, I was elated to find out I could actually go back again this year if I wanted to, However it would mean attending evening classes, unfortunately they finish at 9:30pm! Another shocking discovery, as I collected my work from last year, was if I didn’t complete the access course this year I will lose the credits earned from last year. So after some panic thinking and a bit of organising I have been able to be excused from work on Monday’s to allow me to attend Chemistry lessons. And I’m still working on a plan to attend Biology 2 and Sociology classes in January.

I’m now in the process of writing a Personal Statement, which I should add is bloody difficult, especially if you are like me and have trouble bragging about how wonder you are. As well as attending a few University Open Days, which should make me feel like a right old fart amongst all those teenagers...great!

Houses

After a long wait for paperwork (not the buyers fault!) we have finally signed away our house in the Falklands. It was a strange moment for us, as we weren’t sure whether to be saddened by selling our house, knowing when we return to the Falklands it would no longer be there waiting for us. Or elated that we can finally get on with proceedings here and begin renovating and modernising our next home. Either way the moment called for a drink and since we have no beer in the house at the moment (shocking I know!) we clinked cups of hot chocolate and celebrated.
I am planning on keeping a well documented log of our work on this house to keep for future projects and to boost moral when we are sick and tired of renovating. So hopefully I will be able to find some time to upload it onto my blog...don’t hold your breath though!

Family

Rather than go into great detail of what we got up to while my parents were here I will just say we all had a fantastic time (Bar the weather...Aye granddad?). The illegal alien has been home for a while which is a pleasant change and the girls are slotting back into the school routine easily again. Katie is in year 1 and it shows when she hands me A4 pages of writing trying to describe her pictures. Becky is a little bored with another year in Pre-school and constantly asks when she can go to Katie’s school. And the baby, or not so anymore, Sarah is starting Pre-School from December this year!

I wonder sometimes though if Dan feels a bit left out with all of his girls going to school and learning, while he still awaits a miracle to get him into college and finally earn that Officer of the Watch ticket.

And that’s it so far. I can’t promise anything, but I will attempt to keep you more updated from now.

*I actually remember the day my handwriting went from drunken spider in the ink pot to beautifully clear letters. It was our first Geography lesson and the teacher was (how can put this?) very easy on the eyes! His handwriting was also beautiful and that was it for me – I was converted – shallow or what!

Catch-up

An apology again for very few (not very entertaining) blogs but my life is running away as fast as an Ethiopian Olympic Long Distance runner. The posts from the past are gone I’m afraid. As...clever me...accidently tipped a hot cup of tea, complete with one sugar for added stickiness, over my computer and it is now in the morgue awaiting an organ transplant to my new laptop. I’m hoping to recover most of the data on the hard drive but feel it is all but gone. Anyway now I have this new machine and can take it to bed (I’m not a geek it’s the only quiet time I get!) without leads trailing everywhere I think I may be able to churn out a few more updates more frequently.

I left you at having passed my first lot of Access grades. I have since scored myself a job as a Learning support assistant, after three separate interviews at different schools. I will be working 25 hours a week with the year 6 teacher. The students are aged between 10-11, which is a nice age before they hit puberty and think they rule the world! To say I’m excited about this job would be a serious understatement as I have been bouncing off the walls ever since the phone call from the head teacher and now I’m champing at the bit to get started. Unfortunately I got the job at the end of July, which is the end of term and will be starting in the new term (September 08). The only down side is I won’t be able to attend college this year as my employment clashes with the course times, but the school are keen to train their staff so I will be pushing forward as much as I can. The work based experience is a highly crucial part of the degree anyway so I would rather have that at the moment.

Other interesting events have been the start-up of Workboat services Ltd (check out the website for more details www.workboat.co.fk) Dan nipped down to the Falklands to assist with the initial start-up period for the Concordia bay arriving in the Islands. I personally think it was an excuse to just stroke and snuggle his hunk of steel, but he will never tell J After a few minor problems I believe everything is working well now and the Concordia Bay is settling in well to her new home.

When Dan returned from his brief Falkland trip we had a frantic week of re-organising and cleaning the house before my parents arrived. They are now here on a 6 week holiday and having a great time as far as I’m aware. The kids leaping on them in the morning is probably wearing thin by now though. The best part about them being here (apart from seeing them again of course) is all the cool gadgets they buy and test in the house – It’s going to be bare when they leave that’s for sure!

And finally probably the most exciting piece of news of all is we have sold our house in the Falklands and are in the process of buying a run-down detached cottage (a rarity in the UK...believe me!) here in Gosport. I’ve lost count of the number of times Dan and I have been to the house, tape measures in hand, and studied every element of the place. The very first day we braved a call to the estate agents for our first look inside we were almost wetting ourselves with excitement at the potential of the place. We laughed when we got back home and realised both of us had mentally knocked down walls, replaced doors and furnished it before even making an offer on the place. The ear to ear smiles and rapid heart beating in our chests has been going for three weeks now and I’m convinced we will go to cardiac arrest when we are handed over the keys. We are simple souls and delight in seeing even the tiniest thing like the “Sale Agreed” sign going up across the For Sale sign outside the house. Now to get the small mortgage, finalise the sale of 11 Short Street (which I should add has gone to a really nice family so we are happy there too) and get cracking on some renovation!*

And that’s about it in a nutshell – my whirlwind life in five paragraphs. Doesn’t seem like much now I suppose, but don’t forget we are juggling three little monkeys in amongst this lot! That reminds me I must order the ‘Kids Tool Kits’ for Christmas.

*P.S If anyone fancies coming and helping with renovations then sign up to www.Dan-and-Marie-are-mad.co.uk We will supply food, beer and a sleeping bag in amongst the rubble for free labour.

Results

An ominous brown envelope arrives in the mail box with Highbury College clearly stamped across the top. “Oh my god my results are here” I say as I gulp. I turn it over in shaky hands and begin to tear open the top, wondering if it is nerves or excitement making my heart pound in my chest. An A4 sheet of paper slides easily from the package to reveal writing across its face. I take a deep breath while my brain takes in the information before me and I begin to analyse the table revealing: English for Education and Teaching, B, Biology, A, Total credits 11. “YES!” I yell making the girls leap a little. I give them a huge squeeze and start leaping around the kitchen as they watch with confused faces. “It’s ok girls mum hasn’t gone mad I’m just extremely happy” I reassure them

Roll on September!!

End of College

Wednesday 4th June

The English for teaching and education lesson was like any other, beginning with education topics discussions, followed by a comprehension assessment and the last of the oral presentations. At the end of the lesson the tutor thanked us for a great year and even went as far to say we were the best class she had ever had. (Awe shucks I bet you say that to all your classes I thought as I smiled an embarrassed yet proud smile), we proceeded to thank the tutor and that was it!

Everyone took twice as long to pack away their things as we analysed the reality that this really was the last Wednesday we would be coming into college. Most just waved a goodbye as they walked out of the door knowing they had the addresses of the people they wanted to stay in contact with and possibly concealing any sadness that may be welling up inside them, or that they would see each other again in another last lesson later in the week.

I sat for a moment taking it all in too and wasn’t sure whether to be saddened by this event or elated it was over. I have after all just completed my first year of college and was one year closer to becoming a Primary Teacher! I bid farewell to one of my closest friends in this class, making sure she had my details and I had hers and wished her well for University, as she will not be returning next year. I quickly put on my dark glasses and strolled off to catch the bus for my last Wednesday bus antics…sigh!

Friday 6th June

The last lesson of Biology was much like any other too. Again we thanked the tutor and she thanked us and once more mixed emotions filled me. There was more sadness this time as we are a small class of only 5 and had become like a family. We wouldn’t see Oli again as he was heading of to a Welsh University (of course we took this piss out of him having a vast choice of woolly girlfriends, which he took well and even chuckled at the “Baaa-bara” comment – not one of my better jokes I must admit).

We wished Lee well in his adventures too and good luck with his task of masturbating while standing on his head (it’s a long strange story that I won’t go into, as I’m not entirely sure how the conversation got there anyway. Let’s just say the boy has strange ideas about the world anyway. For instance, during our last tea break In the student canteen we noticed a sign saying “free cut and blow dry” We all laughed as the boys said they would definitely go for a free hair cut if it came with a blow…job. As we left the canteen chuckling Lee then continued to say with a huge smile across his face “Wow! Imagine how much money you could make with a free haircut and blow jobs!” Of course we were in hysterics after that and quickly pointing out you can’t make any money if it’s free! He tried to side step his mistake, but it was too late.

At the end of the lesson everyone exchanged facebook details (I guess it does have its uses) and that was it…again! I ambled, with my head low, along my usual path towards the bus stop, reminiscing over a great year at college and before I knew it a huge smile had appeared across my face. “Yeah it really was a great year” I thought “And I can’t wait to come back in September!” At the bus stop the smile was so huge people were leaning away from me and deliberately trying to not make eye contact, as if I were some kind of mental patient who had strayed from the asylum. I found this highly amusing and played on it a little more by talking and chuckling to myself.

As I entered the house, having picked up the girls from the childminders, I flicked the kettle on for a much needed cup of tea and began to wonder about which courses to take next year and then it occurred to me – I have a nail biting 5 weeks to wait for my results! God I hope I’ve passed!

Facebook

"Have you been poked yet?" I certainly haven't for a while!!

I’ve been registered with facebook for six months now and don’t believe I have ever encountered such a poor waste of time in my life! So why am I spending so much time on the damn thing!?

I suppose facebook is good for catching up with former classmates and friends, and grouping all your acquaintances in one area, but isn’t that what an address book is for? I’m actually beginning to wonder if people have forgotten how to use a pen and paper as emails quickly eradicate letters too. Don’t get me wrong I love technology (except when it breaks!), but I’m also a traditional girl and like nothing more than checking the mailbox to find letters from friends and family. I think there is something a little more personal in a hand written letter and besides…I enjoy the challenge of deciphering bad handwriting.

I now have over 150 acquaintances which’s nice as I didn’t realise just how many people I know or know me (I wonder how many acquaintances it takes before you become infamous?) But with lots of friends in your contacts come lots of invites for strange and pointless games, and gifts of hugs, kisses, pets and flowers!

I’ll admit I own a “Lil green patch” and am supposedly saving acres of rainforest. Although how this works is a mystery to me and I wander off in a fantasy of 300 year old trees in the Brazilian rainforest tapping into the internet inviting their friends in the Malaysian Jungle to join them in brain battle or Mob wars. The later being another pointless game I have been lured into like a moth to a flame. For some reason I find myself checking my character ‘Strawberry Bond’s progress, counting my virtual millions, driving around in my virtual armoured range rover and purchase an array of weapons in preparation of another assault on the jewellery shop.

Recently I have been finding myself aimlessly clicking the mouse 30 times a day as I watch a virtual slot machine spin to hopefully win me virtual money which I can later spend in the virtual shop on virtually pointless crap! But yet each day I continue to enter this game and willingly click the button…is that an addiction or a compulsive disorder? Thankfully it’s not real money I suppose!

Most recently though I have found a game called ‘draw and guess’. It’s basically Pictionary on the internet, but I guess they couldn’t get the rights to use the name. You get a word and have to draw it for everyone to guess to win points. Then everyone else gets a turn to draw and you just have to guess as quickly as possible to gain more points before the time runs out. It’s another addiction I’m afraid, and has become worse still now that I have won two games!

And on that note…I’m wasting valuable ‘time wasting’ time writing this when I could be guessing squiggles, virtual drug dealing and bank robberies or sitting in virtual Las Vegas at the slot machines!!

TTFN

Katiehopper

In true Blue Peter style “Here’s one I made earlier”….5:30 in the morning earlier!

I’m a bad mother and very nearly forgot to make Katie a costume for “The ugly bug ball” they were having at school one day. There was no excuse, I had seen the invite in Katie’s bag two weeks ago. But it wasn’t until Katie kindly reminded me the night before, that I sighed “oh bollocks!” and then spent the whole night tossing and turning in bed fretting about having not made anything, and how she would feel being the only child at school with no costume. So in the end I had to get up do something about it.

I tip-toed like a baby elephant down the creaky stairs,* gathered up some materials and set to work on a master piece. I actually surprised myself with the result – It’s amazing what you can do with a bit of brown paper, a newspaper, a paper plate**, some green clothes and some green paint!

When Katie woke later in the morning she was delighted and couldn’t get into the costume fast enough. Sarah on the other hand was terrified of the grasshopper shaped Katie in the kitchen...and so…the mask stayed off until we reached school.

As all the children gathered in their costumes at the school entrance I smiled with relief as Katie’s was by far one of the better ones there and I’m not just being biased! After waving her off and dropping Becky to Pre-School I went home and crawled back to bed…yawn!

* I sometimes wonder why I bother trying to creep around this old house when I make just as much noise when walking normally!

**Lucky for us it wasn’t raining that day or there would have been a green paper machete Katie turning up to school instead!

Melt Down

SORRY!

But I can't respond to any emails today. Something has crashed on my computer and the mouse is missing.

It was a day like any other day; I had dropped the girls off at school, come home, made a cup of tea, and sat down in front of the computer to check the emails and latest news events. Five minutes into a web search and POP! There was an eerie silence where the whirling of the computer’s fan had once been and I was starring mid sip into a black screen.

I slowly set down my tea thinking “That’s odd?” but brushed it off as an odd occurrence and reached down to switch on the computer again.

Later in the day I continued working on my assignment and had just finished checking the spelling and grammar of page 3 of 5 when POP! That awful silence fell over the room again, and it wasn’t until what felt like minutes that I finally shook myself out of astonishment and disbelief and groaned a painful “NOOOOO!” Before hurriedly leaning down and switching on the computer yet again!

“Please no, please don’t do this to me!” I whispered to the thing as if it were living, and may just laugh off this mean joke and start up again giving me my coursework right where I had been interrupted. But alas it was not to be and not even auto recovery could bring back my hours work! In frustrating I stormed out of the lounge and into the kitchen to make another cup of tea and sulk.

Eventually I stopped sulking and started again, only for the computer to go POP! Once more! This time I had saved 2 minutes before it had crashed so the pain of re-writing everything wasn’t so harsh. But this battle went on for some time, until I eventually finished my work 5 hours longer than expected and gently tapped the computer with my foot in a “Hah I did it anyway you piece of S**t!”

I opened Outlook express and composed a new message in preparation of emailing my assignment to my tutor and guess what…POP! That was it...the final straw! My calm nature was turning into an incredible hulk persona and I was only moments away from turning into the green raging giant! The computer obviously sensed my temper and choose not to start at all this time. That way saving itself from a beating next time it crashed on me.

It wasn’t until two weeks later when Dan arrived back home and dissected the computer that he discovered the cause of the sudden crashes…DUST! Of all the stupid things to be it was dust…it could have been a melted wire or something more meaningful but no, dust in the fan was overheating the system and causing it to crash. I should be thankful I suppose that it wasn’t something more serious, but I suppose I was still angry and ready to throw the damn thing on the tip!

So eventually I was back online and saved all my coursework to a USB stick just in case. Surprisingly it’s still alive! Unsurprisingly I have been reluctant to spend any length of time on it in the last month for fear of it picking on me again. And I have only just braved a post today which has gone without a hitch...yay!

So apologies folks, but fingers crossed the computer will stay alive and I will be able to update you on the last two months (in no particular order) as soon as possible.

The Rake

This was sent to me by email (thanks Michelle) and I just had to share it with you since I am still wiping the tears of laughter away now!

Enjoy!

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

Freak Weather

Saturday was such a lovely day we decided to have lunch alfresco on the lawn. We soaked up the sun and thought about the lovely summer ahead of us.

Three stages of leaves growing back on the trees

So you can imagine our surprise to wake this morning to this...

We couldn't get our coats, boots, gloves and scarfs on fast enough to get out the door and play in the snow though!

Itchy

We are having a minor ant problem currently. I call it minor as I have only counted 50 ants as they go whizzing up the vacuum having been sucked from the floor during mid escape. I don’t mind a few ants and normally chuckle at the odd one scampering across the floor to retrieve a crumb the girls have dropped after their afternoon snack. But the cheeky little bugger has passed on information to his buddies that my house is a free for all on scraps so I now have to vacuum and mop the floor after each meal to discourage the little buggers!

Anyway getting back to the title I have began to notice an interesting occurrence. Whenever I see, think or talk about ants I can’t help but scratch my nose (I’m doing it right now in fact!) which lead me to think about other strange coincidences for instance: when people talk about nits you suddenly feel the urge to itch your head even though you don’t have nits (Yes…I’m doing that now too!) and how about earwigs? Do you feel the urge to itch you ears? (I am!)

It’s a strange phenomenon isn’t it? But it’s not just insects that get you itching What if I mentioned worms?

And now I’ve left you itching frantically I will go, but just have one last thing to say...

Don’t forget to wash you hands afterwards!

Spring holiday

Recharging the batteries – Another option is a wet finger into the plug socket, but that hurts!

The last few weeks have been hectic to say the least: Three days a week at college, with mountains of assignments and exams; three children with various demands, one of which wants to replace her nappies for knickers and the ants (that’s another story) are keeping me on my toes!

I have been particularly busy with college work, since we were required to hand in our Biology essays (of no more than 1000 words*) on “Keeping the circulatory, digestive and breathing systems healthy” (I managed to get 94% for this and admit I’m still in shock in between celebrating over a bottle of wine or two) and another Biology exam on “Control and Co-ordination” (I managed to scrape 71% which wasn’t bad either considering I revised most of the wrong material) The English in education module has also kept me busy with various QTS (qualified teacher status) tests on Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar as well as a critical analysis exercise. And Psychology with the Traffic Light Project – it’s all good fun though!

Thankfully, we are on a two week holiday now so I will be able to relax and recharge the batteries. I have a couple of assignments to hand in after the holidays though, so will be aiming at completing these quickly, before Dan returns home from sea in two weeks and so the girls and I can take advantage of the fantastic weather we are having currently by going on a few excursions. And if all goes particularly well then you may even see a few more posts on the blog – no promises though – It’s hard to sit at the computer when the sun is beaming in through the window calling me outside to get a head start on a tan.

* It was surprisingly difficult to condense the essay as the tutor required an explanation on each system as well as how to keep it healthy.

Easter Bonnet

At 9:30pm I crept out into the darkness of our yard. I pulled my hood over my head and open the front gate onto the street. Checking the coast was clear of cars or anyone on foot I hastily trotted across the road and hid behind one of the trees. I eyed my target…the neighbour’s flower bed. After another quick scan of the area, to confirm no one was around I took a deep breath and dashed over grabbed a small bunch of flowers, throw them under the cover of my coat and raced back to the yard, closing the gate behind me as I leaned against it.

I caught my breath and opened my coat to reveal my prize…a nice bunch of daffodils.

You see…I have to make an Easter Bonnet for Katie for tomorrow so figured I would sew these pretty yellow flowers onto my summer hat. And it looked great!

Unfortunately I neglected to remember that plants need water to survive and by morning the pretty yellow flowers were just a shrivelled mass on the hat. So even after my undercover mission and staying up until midnight to make the hat, Katie still went to school with nothing.

The next morning when I arrived back from college I learned Katie had borrowed a hat for the parade and Becky also required an Easter bonnet so had to rush one out in the morning with her school! I’m a bad mum and can only apologise to the girls and endeavour to try harder next time!

Blonde – Behind the scenes

The not so Hollywood story…

As part of our psychology project we are tasked with observing the difference in driving behaviour between males and females. The test being who would skip the traffic lights when they change from amber to red.

Basically we have to stand at a set of traffic lights (preferably unseen to the drivers) for 10 minutes, jotting down who did and didn’t skip the lights when they changed.

So who is less likely to conform to traffic signals - Males or Females?

After asking the question it is normally followed by men saying “Males, because we are daring and everyone knows women don’t know how to drive!” This sparks off the women to say “Of course men will skip the lights they’re just dangerous and all think they are all boy racers!”

All-in-all the consensus says that men will skip the lights more often than women. So if I now tell you there is little to no difference in males and females who skip traffic lights would you be surprised?

I personally didn’t believe that women wouldn’t skip the lights anyway since I have shot through a few amber lights myself. But I did expect a higher percentage of men to women.

The final percentage from the class observations (thirty students) was:

69% of females stopped

63% of males stopped

31% of females didn’t stop

37% of males didn’t stop

So there you have it…our results, showing that women and men have little difference in their driving behaviour at traffic signals - well in this occasion at least.

Drive another day

The name’s Blonde - Strawberry Blonde! I’ll have a beer not shaken or stirred, just a slice of lime please. And my mission, since I have no choice but to accept it is: observation studies on gender differences to conformity at traffic signals*.

Having donned a suitable disguise of blue jeans, trainers and a sweatshirt I position myself in an inconspicuous position near the target, being sure to have a good line of sight and a clear escape route. Once comfortable I check the time on my very low tech watch and wait.

Five minutes pass and I’m about to abort the mission when a figure passes me and approaches the target. “Go on” I whisper under my breath “Push the button – I dare you!” The figure scans the horizon and begins to raise a finger to the button. Time appears to go into slow motion, as I reach for my pocket and grab my weapon and the lights change from green to amber to red…

Man…no, man…no, woman yes

Time races back into real time as I raise my head from the note pad, and blow the steam of my pen. The figure has now crossed the road I whisper “Thanks” as I smile at them walking away unknowingly down the street.

Before I could replace the pen back into my pocket another figure approaches the lights. “Yes” I whisper again trying not to get too excited and give my mission away. Again they scan the horizon and as I prepare myself for another frantic observation he steps out and trots across the road.

“NO!” I gasp “How could you – bloody sod!” I continue to mutter quietly in disgrace at the stranger across the street.

Another five minutes and nine victims later, I look and my watch, close my notepad, place the pen back in my pocket and breath a satisfied sigh.

Mission Complete, now to get this information back to Mrs Psychology.

*Anyone who is studying Psychology at college will now groan at the sounds of that mission.

Face Lift

After seeing all the work kiwi-at-sea has been putting into his site I felt I had better make an effort to give mine a face lift to keep up with him.

So here it is - any suggestions on appearance will be welcome.

Easter is coming

This easter will you be having:

The Easter Rabbit

or....

The Rampant Rabbit?

HAPPY EASTER!

Night Out

I finally prise my eyelids apart after hearing a noise next to me “Mummy can we get dressed?” “Mummy can I wear a skirt?” “Mum poo!” I turn to see three little faces beaming at me and lazily mutter “Yeah”. They run off excitedly and a few minute later Katie returns “Mummy can I make breakfast?” I turn again and say “Go on then”. Katie leaves and Sarah enters still not dressed (that was too much to ask for) “Mum poo!” “Yeah yeah I say as I drag myself from my warm comfortable bed. My brain suddenly pulses in my head. After a deep sigh my shaky arms push me from the gravitational pull of the mattress. As my weight goes to my feet I wince in pain and promptly sit back on the bed. “What the f***?” I think to myself as I pull up my left foot to check the heel. My feet have a few blisters and then it comes flooding back…

6pm the night before – A knock on the door lets me know Alex (the babysitter) is here. I quickly show her in and begin running through the formalities (as if we were swapping shifts). When I had informed her where to find everything and what time the girls should be in bed I call a taxi and ten minutes later am on my way.

The driver and I make polite conversation opening with: “Why are you going out in this weather – Are you going voluntarily or are you expected out?” I replied with “Ah it’s just a bit of rain”, mentioned it was a friend’s birthday and that I hadn’t seen her in almost three years At that moment, almost at my destination, I remembered I had forgotten the card! Damn!! The driver reassured me my appearance would mean more to her than the card, which I thought was very nice of him to say so.

I pay the driver and bid him a good evening, then turn towards the ferry terminal. The rain is quite heavy so I pull up my coat hood and began walking towards the incoming ferry at a skip. This was half down to excitement and that I wore a new pair of boots with 1 ½ inch heels. Having not worn such footwear in some time it was taking a bit of getting used to. My normal very un-lady like strides were reduced to baby steps with a rapid clink, clink, clink as I realised the ferry was now berthed and awaiting it’s passengers.

For some silly reason I followed my usual routine on the ferries, being…going to the top deck for the view and fresh air. Thankfully the ship on duty tonight was the ‘Spirit of Portsmouth’ so I didn’t have to stand in the rain, which was now rather heavy, and settled myself down in one of the lounges near a window (or porthole – I should know better!) As the ferry disembarked from Gosport and began the reasonably choppy ride across to Portsmouth I suddenly consider how I was going to attempt to descend the stairs in these boots (which I was now regretting wearing tonight).

We touched the dock and I waited for most of the deck to clear before cautiously making my way down the stairs, thankfully without incident. A clumsy walk up the dock and I was soon sitting at the bus stop awaiting the 41. While there a young guy asked me if passive smoking was worse than smoking? I was a little taken aback at first as I wondered what made me look like a smoker, let alone know the answer to his question. So I made up an answer and attempted to articulate it back to him convincingly. He seemed to accept my answer as he turned back to his mate and continued the debate with his new found knowledge. I spotted the number 17 bus pulling into the station and made a retreat before more random questions were asked. I stepped onto the bus hoped to god it was going to commercial road as I asked for the ticket. Yes it was thank goodness! And a few minutes later I was on my way into Portsmouth City centre.

I thanked the bus driver as I stepped off the bus at my stop. Another rapid clumsy trot followed and two seconds later I was standing outside the Trafalgar bar. I entered after another lady as the security guard asked us both for identification. I could have kissed him for thinking I was under 18! But thought that wouldn’t look good on first impressions and showed him my driving licence complete with hideous photograph instead.

The Trafalgar was the like walking into the tardis (bigger on the inside) and I had to stop myself searching for David Tennant and start searching for Tracy instead. It was at this point I remembered again that I haven’t seen Tracy for a few years and realized I would quite likely walk past her without knowing. At that thought I noticed a short blonde girl standing across from the bar with a small group of people. I cautiously began walking toward her hoping that if it wasn’t her I could calmly pretend I was walking past to the free table next to them.

It was her and she recognised me too, so all was good. After quick introductions we made our way to the bar and ordered some drinks.

Many drinks later…

We are wandering the streets looking for a suitable club. What is a suitable club? They are all loud, dark and it’s impossible to get to the bar! None of that really works for me since I was enjoying talking crap, reminiscing over times past and getting drinks on demand without hassle. But you have to try these things before you condemn them.

At some ungodly hour I decide to call it a night and begin the journey home. I approached a taxi and asked the cost to Gun Wharf, then looked in my wallet to see it empty…damn! He points me in the direct of a cash machine but I find myself at the end of the street with no cash machine in sight. I look up and see the lights of spinnaker tower glinting like the stars to navigate by and decide that I will walk the seemingly short distance*.

A few blocks later, I am cursing my boots as I remove them from my sore feet, pull my hood up as the rain gets heavier and continue walking. I have no idea what time is and the navigation lights have now disappeared behind a tall building so I have no idea where I am either? Just then I see the University of Portsmouth and I know at least I am heading in the right direction. A few puddles later to cool my feet, that are now quite raw from walking heavily on the asphalt, and I see Gun Wharf Quay. I half skip and hop hoping I haven’t missed the ferries as I see one berthed. I make my way down the dock, hop onboard and find a seat. A few stares at my torn bare feet make my bundle into my coat more until we reach the Gosport dock. After a quick taxi ride home, apologies to Alex for being late (even though I still had no idea what time it is) I bid her goodnight and crawl up to bed.

A voice snaps me out from the evening’s memories “Mum Poo!” I look down at Sarah, smile a hopefully convincing smile and hobble to her room to fetch a nappy and the wipes…I don’t recommend changing dirty nappies with a mild hangover!!

*My concept of distance and length has never been very good and I also neglected the fact that things may seem closer in the dark and when they are tall buildings!

Parcel Force vs Gale Force

To say it was windy last week is an understatement. Near hurricane force winds battered the coasts, rain pounded into the earth at great velocity and quantity, and temperatures plummeted. I wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t have to take the girls to school, since we are in a fairly sheltered area (having said that the neighbour’s gates were blown off their hinges).

The Dover to Calais ferries were cancelled, planes were grounded at Heathrow and Postmen were told not to deliver mail.

“Back up” I hear you say “what’s this about no mail delivery?” Yes folks it’s true. Mail delivery across the country was discarded while postal workers abandoned their sacks and cycles and bunkered in the Post Offices. It makes sense though as I had visions of postmen clinging onto envelopes as they were scooped into the sky by the wind, or chasing escapees down the street until they finally manage to stomp a boot onto them pinning them to the ground.

The announcement over the radio was a lose-lose for the posties though, since they were moaned at for not delivering the mail and probably would have been moaned at for delivering soggy mail covered in size nine boot prints?

I am however, very amused by the perfectly formed boot print on the envelope that entered though our letter box after the weather had calmed.

No Excuse!

Apologies folks (those hardened fans that enjoy my random nonsense*) for not posting blogs on my site for some time. I have been extremely busy with college projects and a program on my computer informs me I have 27 viruses. So I have spent the last few days trying to sort that out and get assignments in by their deadlines.

To be honest there is no real excuse for not being bothered to sit and write blogs. But mine have more merit than some I have heard and will no doubt have to come when working as a teacher?

Things like:

“I’ve left my homework at home sorry” – You should be careful using this one as sometimes the teacher will send you home to get it (the homework you haven’t done).

“The wind blew my coursework right out of my hands when I stepped off the bus”

“The dog ate it” Of course this is an all time classic and has been used by many people. My jaw dropped to the desk however, when one of the mature students in our class used it as an excuse for not having completed his placement journal. The tutor gave him a suspecting look and hysterics filled the classroom as he pulled a tatted mess of papers from his bag.

And the list goes on…

On that note I will skip the excuses and attempt to furnish you with more antics and general happenings of my life - You may want to get a cup of tea?

*Oddly enough I notice looking at the link referral that everyone is finding my site by typing “First sign you are gay” into the search engine and finding my post with the picture of the baby screwing its face up at the perfectly formed breast and erect nipple. Now I’ve said that men will be frantically scanning this site to find said picture!

Cum, and get your cookies

The ominous cookies in question

I walked happily out of the college canteen having purchased my hot chocolate and cookies for only £1. A quick scan of area soon located my classmates around a table so I walked over to join them. I settled myself into an available seat, removed the top off my hot chocolate and began to open the wrapper on the cookies.

While eating the first of four cookies and sipping my drink, I listened to the others talking about the lesson. It didn’t take long to consume two cookies, and still hungry (since this is breakfast and lunch!) I pulled another out of the wrapper. As the cookie moved towards my mouth I suddenly noticed the manufactures name ‘OtisSPUNKmeyer’ across the packet. My eyes then shifted to the cookie directly in front of me, with its white lumps glaring at me!

A snort of laughter soon had everyone looking at me with intrigue. Trying to not be too childish about it I showed them my discovery and thankfully they all burst into hysterics too. Some commented on how they wouldn’t be able to eat the biscuits after discovering that, but before I could stop myself I said “They don’t taste salty!” More hysterics followed, but I could now feel my face going a nice shade of red after that remark.

Interestingly I wasn’t even looking for humour today – It found me! Maybe I have missed my calling as a circus clown?

Mothers Day

It’s time to celebrate all the mums of the world and show our appreciation for: bringing us into the world; looking after us and generally being there when we need them, by giving them gifts and pampering them for the day.

Whenever someone mentioned Mothers Day coming up on Sunday and asked what the girls would be doing for me. I joked about how I always had to remind Dan of such events (including birthdays) in order to receive anything. And since he is currently at sea, I can assume it will only be a hug from the girls this year, which is fine too.

On Friday I received early hand made cards from the girls, thanks to the schools being organised. Becky even brought a paper cone with a dozen pieces of fudge in it, which was a pleasant treat. Yesterday our childminder brought a couple of pictures Sarah and Becky had made while in her care. They were a couple of painty handprints with the following poem:-

There used to be so many of my fingerprints to see, on furniture and walls and things from sticky grubby me.

But if you stop and think a while you’ll see I’m growing fast, those little handprints disappear, you can’t bring back what’s past.

So here’s a small reminder to keep, not wipe away, of tiny hands and how they looked, to make you smile someday.

The biggest surprise however was a package delivered to the door today containing: flowers, wine and chocolates from Dan on behalf of the girls. Having now picked myself up from the floor, after fainting in shock, I will apologise to Dan for underestimating him and thank him and the girls for a wonderful surprise.

This has to be the best Mothers day I have had!

And before I forget mum - HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Smile!

They say laughter is the best medicine. They also say it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, ergo everyone should smile as it saves energy, so why don’t people smile more?*.

I have begun training my brain to think critically and analytically since the Psychology module. This has found me instigating my surroundings more meaningfully, rather than getting lost in my own little comically fantasized world. What has sprung to my attention is how everyone appears so unhappy!

I know there are a lot of factors to consider, for a start; they could be heading to a job they are not enjoying, but have to continue as they need the wages; or they could be in a family crisis and have a lot on their mind at this time. They could even be feeling a little groggy from the flu or maybe nursing a hangover from a hard weekend on the alcohol. So much to consider; but what surprises me is I have very rarely seen anyone smiling, let alone laughing in public, in six months which can’t just be coincidence? What’s worse are people look at me like I’m an alien when I walk around with a huge grin on my face for, what appears to them as, no apparent reason?

My first observation was in the superstores. What I consider an adventure by challenging myself to find new ingredients and foods, and minimise my total bill at the check-out; others consider as a chore. They appear to have the life sucked from them upon entering the building, moving around as though sentenced to prison and can’t leave until they have done their time being…collecting all the objects they were banished into here for.

Couples would argue on what they were purchasing and what he or she shouldn’t have purchased. While another lady gave a dejected frown as she carefully examined a piece of steak. She then replaced it and began removing and examining a further eight pieces, until eventually replacing them all and taking the first one she had been looking at. Meanwhile a queue of even unhappier people stood waiting for this rather choosey individual. Other people could be heard complaining about the price of food and how it was never easy to find what you wanted; even though every superstore has a huge sign indicating what is down each aisle! And there are countless members of staff wandering the aisles (possibly trying to avoid having to work?) who are likely to have any idea. **

The only smiles that could be found were at the check-out tills and even these were not real smiles. They were forced smiles which were probably inked into their contracts as they reluctantly accepted employment. These people don’t honestly love their jobs, you can tell from the way they man-handle the groceries. Although they have to be reasonably careful, otherwise they will get a customer yelling at them for pushing the eggs down the slide too hard and ‘if any were broken they wanted them replaced!’ This would lead to more delays and more unhappy people waiting in the queue at the till. After replacing the barely chipped eggs did the customer then turn their attention to how the cashier was packing their bags***, bread will be squished and more words of disgust would be uttered.

I don’t envy those poor cashiers when they happen upon these contentious beings. As if their lives are not bad enough, that they have to sit at a till all day, forcing smiles and carefully handling groceries, but they then have to put up with abuse from people who clearly have far less important issues to be moaning about.

My second observations were during my idle strolls down the High Street. I have taken to smiling constantly and greeting everyone with a “Morning” or “Afternoon” as I pass, which I find highly amusing, since it causes all sorts of disarray. Some almost stop in their tracks, as if what they had heard was a whisper from nowhere, and they were checking on what they thought they had heard before continuing. Others would just look at me in disgust, but occasionally you would get a reply, although mumbled from under a scarf or coat, but at least they made an effort.

My third observation is probably my favourite…Public transport! People appear to have invented a small invisible bubble when travelling on public transport. Unless they have boarded the bus with a person, they will not interact between anyone, even when their bubble space has been invaded by a random person looking for a free seat. Most people turn their heads away as if to try and make themselves altogether invisible and therefore not having to communicate with the person sitting inches away from them. Others will grimace as the person sits next to them, making them feel awful about their decision to sit in the only available seat. Some will even go as far as placing their bag on the seat to stop anyone sitting! Observing people on public transport is just scraping the surface though, as they will appear to go out of their way to complain about late buses/trains and the poor service. They could just accept there have been delays and make the driver feel a bit better about this issue, he is highly aware of, by greeting him with a smile.

I will always continue smiling at everything (So the dimples in my cheeks are getting deeper, and crows feet are stomping the edge of my eyes) but I want to conserve energy and smiling is the way to do it apparently, plus it just makes me feel good!

Give it a try if you don’t believe me?

*I should say at this point I am a happy go lucky and very easy going person myself. I find even the most obnoxious people to be not too bad. I might just be polite? But I like to give everyone a fair chance, as sometimes they don’t mean to be the way they are, it has just become a habit.

**Although this could be argued since every time I have asked they looked like scared rabbits and point me in the general direction…thanks guys! I have now learned to take note of their age as you will get a better response from the older members who will almost take you by the hand and stand you directly in front of the item you had asked for.

***Don’t be so damn lazy and pack them yourself, that way you can only blame yourself. Although I remember reading ‘We are now living in a blame culture’ that is why no-one takes responsibility for their actions and are quick to point the finger at anyone but themselves, that and a quick profit when you sue someone – quite worrying really!?

Indesick

A car speeds through the streets of Gosport and screeches to a halt outside Fig tree cottage. The man grabs his case and rushes to the door, which is already open for his arrival. He is guided to the kitchen and places the case on the table; then turns and kneels down in front of his patient. “What’s the story” he says calmly as he looks up at me. “Well” I say nervously “she has been making terrible noises lately”
“I see” he replies grimly as he turns back to his patient and begins examining her “How old is she?” he asks
“About six”
A few minutes later he sighs and says “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do”
“Oh!” I gasp
“Yes I’m sorry – Is there someone I can call for you?”
“Umm yes of course, here” I say as I hand him a piece of paper with a name and number on it.
“Ok I will be in touch soon”
He gathers his things, bids me farewell and I close the door behind him then move back into the kitchen. I place my hand on top of her head and say “Sorry dear – But you’ve had a pretty good life for a washing machine”

The next day...

“Hey kids wake up – I’ve something really exciting to do today!” I exclaim as I open the bedroom curtains.
“What is it mummy?” A little voice croaks as she wipes the sleep from her eyes.
“Come with me and I’ll show you – But you will need to put your shorts on first…oh and no socks!” I reply.
They are still rubbing their eyes as I lead them into the bathroom.
“Right - You guys can stomp the dirt out of the clothes in the bath while I scrub the stains off with soap!” I say merrily.

Yep…we are reduced to child labour, until our washing machine is either fixed or replaced. I figured since they are generating the majority of the clothes they can clean them – It’s fair isn’t it?

Answers

So class how did you do?

1. a
2. b
3. d
4. c
5. Inferred
6. Implied
7. b
8. b
9. Effect
10. Affect

Rare Kiwi Sighted!

Kiwis’ are endemic to New Zealand and from the genus family Apterygidae. There are a variety of species namely: Apteryx rowi, Apteryx owenii, Apteryx haastii, Apteryx australis; but little is known of this new rare species I like to call Apteryx dangerous.

It appears to have departed its homeland and has been sighted at many locations around the world. We are unsure as to how this flightless creature has travelled, but assume it is being transported by ship.

Much like its relatives Apteryx dangerous is small in size, with a very large bill so has a highly developed sense of smell. It can be distinguished by its sporadic dark brown plumage and occasional gingery coloured plumage around the facial area. It converses in a noise, which presumably can only be interpreted by other kiwis of this species, as it sounds like nonsense to the human ear. While communicating it also appears to perform in clown like actions.

Most kiwis are nocturnal, but this rare species has also been sighted during daylight. Normally in flocks of other creatures at various watering holes; which would suggest it is not shy like its relatives. In fact it could be argued it is quite the reverse, making a spectacle of itself in groups at times.

This species is remarkably resilient and adapts easily to its surroundings. It has been sighted not only in hot tropical climates but also the cooler Antarctic climate. It appears to feed on most things and has been seen quite regularly scavenging around fast food restaurants.

The last sighting, only two days ago, was in Panama, but recently Apteryx dangerous has been sighted in the UK, although it is considered a pest by UK customs officials who are regularly trying to prevent this species entering into their country.

If anyone is lucky enough to see this rare kiwi please send details, as I would be very interested, having only seen this particular species three times briefly in the last six months!

Prof M Loveridge
University of Rare Kiwi Sightings

Grammar

What is Grammar?
“Grammar is my mother’s mother” replies the young child.

It’s humorous isn’t it? Of course we know grammar is actually the rules of English language; and not the old lady sitting on the rocking chair with a cat on her lap, while she knits lilac sweaters (since that colour was all the rage when she was a little girl).

It’s scary to think children these days have such poor literacy, but what about the adults? I suppose we could blame technology and the use of slang and abbreviations while texting messages on mobile phones and chatting on the internet. But even spoken English is almost another language these days. For instance two girls were sitting on the bus the other day (Odd that; me on a bus?) having a conversation, I couldn’t help but hear, since they were not only poor, but also very loud speakers. They were saying things like “You know what I mean in it?” and “We was tellin em they was fuckers”

What's scary is not the blatant swearing and shocking use of language, but these are supposedly educated humans? Which makes me wonder if teachers have given up teaching English language in schools nowadays?

The Daily Mail released an article highlighting this bombshell entitled:

Teacher’s cant punctuate.

Two in three would not notice the errors above – Did you?

Here are some more to test yourself. I’ll reveal the results in a few days to give you time to try them.

1.

a.The Smiths’ house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
b.The Smiths’s house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
c.The Smiths house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.
d.The Smith’s house is a disused windmill, and they are delighted with it.

2.
a. Your perfectly within your rights.
b. You’re perfectly within your rights.
c. You’re perfectly within you’re rights.

3.
a. My monies on David’s cricket team.
b. My moneys on Davids cricket team.
c. My monies’ on David’s cricket team.
d. My money’s on David’s cricket team.
e. Mt moneys on Davids cricket team

4.
a. The 70’s was a great decade for music
b. The 70s’ was a great decade for music
c. The 70s was a great decade for music

5. I implied/inferred/ensued from his art collection that he was extremely wealthy.

6. She implied/inferred/ensued to Susan that Dennis wasn’t her first husband.

7.
a They gave the girls and I a typing test at the interview.
b. They gave the girls and me a typing test at the interview.

8.
n. Chris and me were puzzled at the outcome of the research.
o. Chris and I were puzzled at the outcome of the research.

9. He doubted he would be able to affect/effect significant change without the cooperation of the team.

10. Either of the two main options would effect/affect the environment adversely.

That was easy I hear you say…or maybe not? It’s actually quite surprising how we think our grammar is fine, until we are tested.

Good Luck!

More Bus Antics

Buttercup, Daisy and more cow sounding named buses.

It’s proving quite a hobby of mine now, keeping my nose pinned against the glass of the bus window*, searching out yet more objects of interests and humour. After our English in Education class on Wednesday (this is the second part of the Education and Teaching module, which I’m still awaiting the results for, but my last two assignments have given me a B, so fingers crossed!) my searching has been heightened by prompting of the tutor, to attempt finding spelling and grammatical errors on signs and buildings. I’m not saying my grammar and spelling is fantastic (in fact it’s far from it after an average result on a quick test by the tutor), but if you are searching for errors they become glaringly obvious (So don’t read this too intently). Sometimes you don’t even find signs with errors, just other humorous signs, for example:

“Sophie’s Restaurant – Probably the best choice”

Why you would willingly put the word ‘probably’ on your sign is beyond me? It doesn’t leave a good indication to potential customers now does it? I mean imagine if Barclays Bank put “Probably won’t rip you off” on their sign, or the Gosport ferries had “Probably won’t sink on the crossing”. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.

Some people go for completely simple signs like;

“Mr Cheap – Is the cheapest”

Surely that’s obvious or do people really think Mr cheap is the most expensive?

One last sign that caught my eye on this particular day was “Phoenix Furniture - Hot Sale on now!” My mind blasts into supersonic thought, as I conjure up images of sofas, tables and beds all tagged with a label saying “Highly Flammable”. Maybe my imagination is taking off on its own little psychological fantasy, but I will have to investigate further one day.

I’ve decided this sport of sign spotting and bus antics could be evolved, and am now contemplating a few games during my ferry crossing in the mornings. I will however be parked next to a life jacket after scaring myself with that last comment above!

*This is particularly difficult for me; since my nose almost extends further than a USB stick…yes I’ve measured it! Looking into the mirror nowadays I’m convinced my poor nose has a serious lean to the left. It’s probably when the netball my friend and I were playing with was smashed into my face (accidentally) years ago, but isn’t being assisted by my constant bus window faces.

Bus Antics

'Clover' the number 5 bus

It’s a normal Wednesday morning, although I’m heading back to college this week and very excited to catch up with class mates to see how their placements went?

I catch the ferry a bit earlier than usual and the number 41 rolls into the station two minutes after stepping into the shelter, so I’m on my way by 8:45, which is a bonus, although I’m wondering why everything is going so smoothly? The bus is surprisingly empty at first and I sit next to the window admiring the scenery and checking I still recognise the buildings, so I will hit the bell before my stop! As we wait at traffic lights I see ahead of us a traffic cone go skimming across the stream of cars. It’s an amusing sight and I can only assume that a car’s wheel has caught the edge of the cone and flicked it in tiddlywinks style across the road, but some little part of me wants to leap out of the bus, run over and grab the cone, lifting it expecting to see ‘Buzz Lightyear’ or some other toy underneath, as this thought occurs the bus begins to move and I consider to myself that maybe I watch too many cartoons?

A little further along our journey we round a corner and I spot an old man, As we get closer I see his grey hair sticking out between the tweed hat and coat, I don’t know why I’m watching him for so long, it must be a dull area of town for buildings and the like, so I stay fixated on him At the very moment we pass, he raises his head and there in full view is a long wet snot hanging from his nose! Hilarious!! Unfortunately while taking in this humorous sight I neglected to stop myself from squeaking aloud a giggle into the very silent bus and it would seem I was the only one that had seen the old man too, as I could suddenly feel the stares boring into the back of my head (since I had thankfully chosen to sit near the front of the bus). I sank into my seat a little, feeling my face turn a nice shade of beetroot and continued looking out the window searching for my exit, which was not for another 10 minutes!

The journey home was not as entertaining so I had to make my own. One was forming shadow puppets - although I had to give that up since the direction of my shadowy dinosaurs were hitting the chests and legs of the passengers opposite, which thankfully they didn’t notice otherwise that could have been an embarrassing situation.!

So I was back to looking out the window for entertainment. Just then we passed a huge sign of a beaver saying “You can’t lick beaver…for the best tool hire” Of course just reading the first part tickled me…hey I was struggling for entertainment remember!?

I ended up sitting idle for the last part of the journey listening to someone’s MP3 player blaring away a few seats behind me wondering what next weeks bus antics will bring.