Fighting Pigs and the Trough

Sounds like something from the "Farmers Weekly" magazine, but in fact is a location and a band that play there.

It’s Saturday and I have been invited out with my old school friend Cara. (This is the first time she has been out since having her second child 13 weeks ago and admitted to not being properly drunk for nearly a year! With this in mind I decided we should get suitably pissed and stagger home at some ridiculous hour in the morning).

We started late (about 8:30) at the Victory Bar, so had some lost drinking time to catch up on. The Victory was unusually quiet when we first arrived but began to fill not long after. We came to the conclusion everyone had just finished watching the first part of the X Factor and set their tape recorders for the later show – a little sad when you think about it, but half the reason why we were so late…which makes me such a hypocrite! We downed our drinks, as the atmosphere was decidedly uncomfortable in the Vic that night, and ambled along to Deanos Bar to lose ourselves in the crowd and low light.

When we arrived at Deanos it was so crowded I contemplated tying a helium balloon to myself (something you do when leaving your car in a huge car park for the first time) so Cara could see where I was after setting out to buy a round of drinks. It turned out the military were ambushing Stanley this evening and filled the already very small pubs and bars around town. There appeared to be an early Halloween theme with a few groups, which was interesting to say the least…one guy had dressed as Satan, which was ok, until he turned around to reveal the arse of his costume missing and only wearing a G-string – Yikes…Satan just got sexy!

At 11:20 the DJ announced we should go to the bar and buy our drinks if continuing onto the Trough, so after a little debate and not much arm twisting convinced Cara to come, but somewhere in crowds and numerous taxis going to our destination we became separated. I turned up at the Trough solo, but soon caught up with a work colleague who I sat with near the stage where the Fighting Pigs were performing. Another work colleague plays bass guitar for the band, so we spent the whole evening trying to distract him, which he took in his stride and managed to compose himself without a single missed note – bugger! I will have to try harder next time…what an excellent excuse to go out again.

Never did find Cara after Deanos so assumed she either didn’t make it to the Trough or was there and I didn’t see her in the crowd - The balloon wasn’t such a silly idea after all!

Oreo Milkshake and Toothache!

It’s early evening and I’m sitting in front of the television for the first time since broadband was installed. Broadband has been fantastic so far and I’m actually looking forward to my phone bill this month rather than regretting every second I spent online. The only problem with a permanent connection is I’m not getting to bed before midnight!! Which reminds me…I must look up on the internet how much sleep the average person needs?

The main reason for not sitting at the computer tonight was Cable & Wireless (The local telephone company) have cut off the internet for maintenance. So I decided to make myself an Oreo Milkshake,* take a break and be a coach potato for the night. Not the healthiest life I lead, but you need a bit of time to vegetate and let your brain relax once in a while.

I’m sitting comfortably on the sofa and take a long sip of my milkshake - suddenly I’m struck with toothache. Ouch…oh it wasn’t that bad so take another sip …Ouch shit! That hurt more! “One more time – it’s just in your head” I tell myself “I will bloody enjoy this drink – the effort that went into making it!” Blast! it really does sting!! Damn tooth! But I’m not wasting this Milkshake now…so spend the next 10 minutes in agony defiantly drinking my milkshake while convincing myself the pain is worth the taste. Who was I trying to kid now my tooth aches like hell and I forced my favourite milkshake down without really enjoying it!

After a couple of Alka-Seltzer I decide to retire to bed and read my book mumbling to myself on the way…bloody tooth, bloody work up to make that drink and didn’t even enjoy it, bloody no internet…mumble, mumble, mutter...

Good night

*This appeared before me for the first time in a restaurant called Denny’s next to the Cinema in Christchurch, New Zealand. I remember it like it was yesterday…shame it was actually 8 years ago!

For those of you that have never experienced one here’s my recipe:-

1 x Packets of Oreo biscuits or something similar
5 or 6 Large scoops of Ice-Cream (any flavour)
Milk (Your judgment)

And that’s it – blend it all together until it’s thick but drinkable, sit back and enjoy!

Oh Crumbs!

My oldest daughter Katie started Pre-School this year and so far absolutely loves it! She began in September and has already turned my bedroom wall into a montage of her work! They seem to be very constructive at Pre-School these days - I don’t remember anything like it when I was at school, but then I don’t remember much of my earlier years in school anyway!

One day when collecting the girls from Mandy’s (The childminder) I was taken aback by Katie running to me at top speed with her mouth going at the same rate – she almost forgot to breathe being that excited to tell me something! When she stopped talking and just stood there looking at me anxiously waiting for a reply - I had to quickly try and decipher the garbled message, which ended up something like:-

“Mummy we made biscuits, with the eyes and the mouth and the nose!”

Yeah? – I still wasn’t quite sure what had happened, but came to the conclusion it was good and I should congratulate her for the mysterious achievement.

A little while later we arrived home and unloaded the mass of items that go with three small children! When we are finally settled upstairs – I take a look in Kate’s rucksack, knowing that’s where the teacher leaves letters of upcoming events and more artwork! Although that day was a surprise and when I looked into the bag there was only a rounded piece of tinfoil. I remove it from the bag and carefully open it to reveal the biscuit! - With eyes and nose – Fantastic! So this is what all the excitement was over!

And here it is…

Forget the Birds and Bees!

I was chatting with a friend the other night and some how managed to get onto the subject of animal genitals. The biggest shock not being the topic itself, but more how much useless knowledge I have stored in my brain – Things like:

Did you know a rooster doesn’t have a penis?

And

A pig’s penis looks like a cork screw!

After a while it occurred to me that my mum had never given me the talk about the birds and bees…she just sent me out to watch the chickens and pigs!!

Postcard Places

I missed this one yesterday - another postcard…of some buildings in the capital Stanley.

Fantastic Pictures!

Thought it was about time I showed you a little more of the Falkland Islands…so here are some pictures.

OK I cheated they are just postcards from the local gift shop, but they are pretty good all the same!

My favourite being the fat black and white ducks on the beach!

Phewl!

Thank goodness for the folk who build new vehicles and plan for the idiots!

I took the new office vehicle, a Land Rover 90, to the fuel station today and parked up at the Diesel Pump. As I leapt out a doubt crossed my mind “Have I chosen the correct pump?”

When I reach the fuel cap and place the key in to unlock it I noticed a small label underneath marked “Diesel”…Phew that’s a relief – I would hate to be the idiot that put the wrong fuel in!

Although...I was the idiot that admitted to the shop assistant that I had doubts until I saw the label!! Doh!!

What’s Your Secret Identity?

I received an email the other day from a friend in Australia entitled “Which superhero are you?” intrigued I clicked the link and began completing the questions before me. After what seemed like an eternity I got to the end and submitted my answers. It took a little while for it to process my information, but eventually came up and to my horror I was revealed as Robin of Batman and Robin. I was divested having just missed Super Girl by 2% and ending up with the pansy – Should have said yes to the push-up bra question…damn!!

I wrote back to my friend and told him I wasn’t amused about being Robin. He wrote back a while later saying “You think that was bad…I got bloody Cat Woman!”

So if you can’t resist temptation here’s the link…you know you want to!!

http://www.thesuperheroquiz.com/

The fourth R

Everyone knows the three R’s

Reading
Writing and
Arithmetic

(This never made sense to me as a child because I always tried to think of things that started with the letter R!)

I now have a fourth…Ripping

The other day Katie proudly brought her first school reading book home only for the front and back cover to be ripped off by her younger sister (Becky). I was so angry and shocked that she would even consider it, as we have always taught our girls to respect books. After a good telling off I shut her in the bedroom to calm down and think about what she had done - that and the screaming was piercing my brain!

When I walked back into my room to see the carnage, Katie was sitting over it looking very disappointed and trying to line the pieces back together. I grabbed the sticky tape and made a reasonable attempt at fixing it. Now I have to write apologizing to the school teacher and most likely buy a replacement!

By the time I had finished Becky had finally calmed down and gone quiet in the next room. I carefully opened the door in case she had fallen asleep behind it, which has been done more than once! She is awake, sitting on the floor and would you believe what she is doing…carefully reading her collection of books - Unbelievable!!

Broadband

Yesterday I collected my ADSL Package and Micro-filter plugs to enable me to use the all new broadband system in the Falkland Islands. I rushed home at 4:30 (Not speeding honest officer!) after collecting the girls from the childminders (who I should mention by name now as she has featured quite regularly in my blog, So MANDY FORD - you are now famous. You can thank me later over a beer – Your shout!)

I bundled the kids up stairs and darted into the room where the computer is located, unload the goods out of the plastic bag and onto the bed. Just as I start sifting through it Katie and Becky turn up asking for food and Sarah starts grizzling in the lounge…Sigh! Reluctantly I leave my new toy and go and sort them out (This will back fire on them one day, maybe Christmas when I say “Don’t open your presents yet girls we are going for a walk first!”)

As I walk into the lounge and kitchen I notice the housework is out of control and my house looks more like the local tip. So with a heavy heart and longing for the computer I decide to do the domestic housewife/mum chores and connect broadband when the kids are in bed…sob!

This worked out quite well in the end because I have never cleaned the house so fast in my life and before long it was 7pm and bed time for the girls. Hardly unable to contain my excitement I kissed them all goodnight and dashed back into the computer/bedroom and tore the package open…right what have we here?

After 5 minutes of opening little packets, working out where they might go and neatly laying the cables on the bed in front of the router I noticed how short the telephone cable was! Bugger…this means I’m going to have to move the computer across the room to the phone socket!

…4 hours later the computer is re-located and connected up with its new hardware, but the rest of the room is a bomb site…oh well I’ll do it in a minute! I install the disk and…a further hour and a half of buggering around and struggling to make it work I have done it!! Hello Broadband. My test was to check the mail while hitting the dial button on the telephone…brrrrr (sound of dial tone) YES it works!! I sit back and watch the emails roll in while having have a stretch and yawn, then I look across at the piles of junk and papers on the bed…opps forgot that again…oh well tomorrows job she says bundling it all onto the floor.

Census Again!!

Sunday Night 9:30pm – Oh shit! Just remembered it is Census collection tomorrow and I haven’t completed my form! After a good 15 minutes of hunting I finally found it hidden under various other pieces of paper (Mental note – Do some filing soon!)

It didn’t take long to complete all but one of the questions, this being “What is the engine size of your vehicle?” – Where’s Dan when you need him! Only a man could answer that question without pausing to think about it (I’m not saying they are always right, but they know we don’t have a clue and if they sound convincing then it must be right!) I always wonder if it’s the Strawberry blonde that hinders me on these issues – The blonde side of me wants to say “I don’t know it’s just an Isuzu” but luckily the less blonde side gets the final say, most times, and decided I should look under the bonnet of the car for labels…sure enough there were labels, my new dilemma being they are all in Japanese!! Fortunately numbers are universal and after a while I spotted a 3049cc so assumed that was it.

Monday Morning – Still can’t shake this flu!! It has turned into an annoying cough now, making me sound like a 60 year old chain smoker! But I dragged my corpse into work and hoped it would ease off for tonight.

Monday Afternoon – Flu hasn’t gone completely and feel fairly groggy, but I’m tough I try and convince myself so head off for the same routine as before, collect girls, drop off at Nan’s and go to Census base. At base I am issued my yellow vest, an empty box and a Mars Bar (Bonus!) I had the same area to collect as I delivered so knew where I was heading and who to expect. I believe only two had forgotten to complete theirs, and to not be a hypercritic and say “Well you were told about Census night!” in the knowledge I had only just completed mine late last night, gave them an hour before I returned to pick them up.

Most people had left there’s in obvious places so I just had to walk up and collect them rather than ring door bells and break my knuckles knocking. One person kindly left their form in view on their front porch window sill, but they forgot to leave the door unlocked!! Another incident that sticks in my mind is someone’s porch was a horrible purple colour. I stood there thinking god that’s awful I would never paint my house that colour and then it hit me…damn my room is that colour! What a moron! At least it cheered me up, although I believe I actually giggled to myself while walking down the street to the next house – If anyone had heard and seen me they would have thought I just escaped from the lunatic asylum.

Finished up at 8:30 with only 5 forms missing in my area, my colleagues did well also and I believe the final figure was 97% return. Not bad – Have a Mars Bar to celebrate folks!

Now it’s up to the computer technician to work her magic or get a headache, eye strain and sore fingers – Good Luck Tech!

Home Brews for Spews…and Poos!

Sorry for the delay folks – still recovering from this one!! (If bleach doesn’t remove stains from the toilet bowl – what do you use?)

This week I will be brewing Imperial. The best time to have this beer is when you have run out of everything alcoholic in your house (including any kitchen cleaning products!) It can cause taste buds to vaporise, which is why this as a last resort drink!

Some people have been know to take dares and drink a whole bottle, but they have to swallow a packet of Imodium Pills straight afterwards otherwise they will have brown water flowing from their lower regions by the next morning. Other people have not been so lucky and are now unable to pee properly or worse want to drink more imperial!

You will need the following ingredients:

80 Empanadas (There are many flavours so don’t be scared and try them all)
4 Medium Sized Stray Dogs (Can be caught easily with meaty empanada trap)
10 Bottles Pisco (Seems a shame to waste it!)
50 Litres Wine (Preferably a mix of Gato Negro and Blanco)

Remove any collars (unless you want added flavour?) from dogs and liquidize. Pour into barrel with a little Pisco. Mash empanadas into pulp using the Pisco to dissolve the harder lumps. When you have a fine mush, pour in remainder Pisco. Transfer to barrel and add wine. Stir a little and place lid on barrel.

Leave the mixture in the barrel clearly marked “Poison” or “Hazardous Waste” Can be served anytime don’t forget the tip from earlier though!

Enjoy!

Join me next week for Heineken (this could be a tricky one - But I will try and enjoy the research).

Blog Idol

This is like Pop Idol, but thankfully you don’t have to sing, otherwise I would have been out months ago!! You thought my dancing was bad, well my singing is worse! Although would you believe I sound just like Annie Lennox when the CD is playing full volume – I know it’s amazing!

I wasn’t sure if anyone actually read my blog, so when I heard about inspiring two people to start their own it came as a pleasant surprise. They should be good, especially for those of you interested in the Falkland Islands. One is from the wife of the local dairy manager and the other a mad person I work with (Yes I’m not the only one – What’s that they say about living on a small island?). Rumours say we are related too, but I’m sticking to my theory that I landed on my parents door step and they took me in – like Clarke Kent, but without the super powers and extra body parts!)

I have added one link to my blog and will update you when the other is published.

What’s the time - Beer ‘O Clock

There’s something about a warm Friday afternoon that gives you this overwhelming urge to drink beer (Not Fosters!) I was sitting at my desk looking out the window enjoying a pleasant scene in my head. (You will have to imagine the hazy squiggles that take you from me gazing out the window to the next scene)

I’m sitting outside somewhere on the grass, with the Barbie smoking away, giving off wonderful smells of half cooked Beef Steaks (Mm), Pork Sausages (Mmm), Chicken Fillets covered in BBQ sauce (Mmmm) and Mutton Chops (Eh?! – Oh well). There are a gang of us enjoying the weather, beer and soon food. I take a swig of my beer, when I hear someone talking at me across the way. Straining to hear what they want I lean forward and…thud! Slip off my chair and land on my knees back in the office…damn!! I haven’t even tried the food yet!

Having ruined the vision I turn back to my computer and work again. By 4pm I’m still longing for a cold beer and decide it’s time to take action…so call an old mate (Nyree) and a babysitter (My parents – bless them!) and it’s a date in the Vic* at 7pm. This turns into 7:30 for me and (as I’m soon to discover) Nyree is also late! So I sit at the bar, like a plank, on my own. Luckily the Vic natives are friendly to strangers and I soon find myself in conversation and being offered drinks from people around the bar. Nyree eventually rolls in at 8:30!! Just in time for the folk night…quick let’s get out of here! (Don’t get me wrong they are very talented people, but I have a limit to the amount of country that I let enter my brain).

We head off to Deanos** It’s humming in here and we have to fight our way to the bar. After two more beers I suddenly realize my feet are tapping, which turns into a sway, bop and before long have been dragged onto the dance floor to make an arse of myself. I’m not the best dancer in the world, especially after a few, but thankfully it’s dark and crowded…so I go with the flow and strut (Like John Travolta in Saturday night fever – God help me!)

*The Vic or Victory Bar is a quaint little pub in the centre of town and is the normal haunt for drinks straight after work.

**This is another pub only 100 yards west of the Vic, but is more like a club than a pub and hosts the more pissed folk who like to strut there stuff on the dance floor.

How now Brown Cow!

Have just finished my, local made (at this point I should say by Stanley Dairy), Passion Fruit Yoghurt and if I wasn’t a lady I would have licked the tub clean…hang on I’m not a classy chick…slurp, slurp…umm yummy!

I don’t eat a lot of yoghurt, but have the occasionally gorge; especially now we have easy access to some fabulous flavours like the Passion Fruit. Yoghurt & Fruit have always been scarce in the Islands and are normally imported from the UK or Chile. As you can imagine we pay an arm and a leg for it, which is why I have three children so I can get more – Ok I’m kidding! But honestly you don’t see much change from £20 when buying a small selection of fruits and yoghurt.

Milk is the other bulk product imported, which is sad as there is a local dairy and has been for some years. Although we have just been gifted with two very talented dairy managers (Don’t go getting big headed now Kevin and Leone!). They have been here less than a year and are already making yoghurts, cream cheeses and promise many more wonderful improvements in the near future. Fantastic – I won’t have to pawn off my children’s limbs!

Excuse me for being blunt, but you can’t beat straight from the teat milk! (I’m still talking bovine guys!!) Fresh creamy milk is the way to go – One of my memories as a child was waking up for breakfast and having lukewarm fresh cows milk poured onto my Ricies, making them go soggy, but still delicious. And a cool glass of milk with choc chip cookies, just completes my afternoons at work – Who says milk and cookies are for kids? I eat them! OK…milk and cookies are for kids!

So now its time for bed and a quick hot chocolate…yet more milk! I’m going to look like a cow soon…no comments thank you!!

Rhyme Time

Have you every tried to make your whole conversational day rhyme? I tried it today, although quietly to myself to save embarrassment if it didn’t work, and really struggled!

My best one being:-

“I have drunk too much tea and now I need to pee!”

The others were just lame and will hopefully be erased from my brain. I’m not a poet and I know it!

So challenge you to do better!

P.S Watch out for words like Orange and purple though - they are impossible! One of my work colleagues pre-warned me about these – Thanks Sue!

Tall Ships of Stanley

Here is a maritime theme with more pictures of Stanley through the ages.

I stole this one from my 2006 Calendar by Tony Chater.* (A local photographer who lives on New Island, which is said to be THE beauty spot of the Islands. After seeing his pictures, throughout the years, of his calendars I would probably have to agree, although reserve judgement until I visit the magical Island). This is alleged to be the earliest local photograph in existence dated 24th February 1881.

Lady Elizabeth

The view is quite different today with about 15 ship wrecks scattered around Stanley Harbour. Only a few are still intact - the Lady Elizabeth and Jhelum being the most noticeable, although the Jhelum has broken her spine and is unlikely to hold together for many more years!

The FI Government recently commissioned the dismantling of the “Charles Cooper” due to hazardous lumps of wood breaking free and floating East towards the Port and Tourist ship tenders! This was sad to see as she was quite a spectacle in her day…that and a hundred Rock Cormorants (Known as “Shags” by the locals – Not sure why? But will share the information when/if I ever find out!) are now looking for new homes.

The names of these vessels are lost in my mind somewhere – If anyone recognises them please feel free to update us via the comments

Endeavour

We do receive tall ship visits occasionally. These are always popular with the locals who flock to the sea front to get a better view (I always find this amusing as some people have better views from their windows on the hill!)

I have to admit we made a special effort to meet the Endeavour, but she is a Historical Legend! The tour aboard was great and very interesting, although I couldn’t see myself volunteering to sail aboard her, like most of the crew at the time. I have never been on a ship for more than a few hours and felt my stomach churning even then!

Wonder why I married a sailor? Maybe sea sickness is something you have to beat out of yourself by going to sea for a week? I will let you know if it works – Might even try the carrot test since I’m going to spew anyway – What we do in the name of research!

*These can be purchased through the Pink Shop by clicking on the Falkland Islands Web page link to the left of my Blog. (I should demand sales fees for this!)