Home Brews for Spews

This week we will be brewing Fosters. This is a great beer in summer when you are likely to have a BBQ (or Barbie for our Antipodean friends).

As Barbie’s are normally outside you can easily tip your drink onto the ground without anyone suspecting you are actually dumping it. A few tips on “How to spill your Fosters without being noticed” are:-

1) Sit on a lumpy piece of ground and set the bottle down on the grass unknowingly, making sure you say “Oh shit! - What a waste” when someone informs you of your accident.

2) If there are children present encourage them to run around you and sky-lark, this way it is likely they will kick your bottle over.

3) House pets can be used in the same way as children.

4) Balance your beer on the edge of a table or arm of a chair.

5) Go to the bathroom taking your beer with you, make sure you take a sip in view of a few people (but hold it in your mouth until you reach the toilet!) this makes the illusion believable. When you reach the toilet spit and tip. Find the toothpaste, squirt a blob into your mouth and rinse with water. When you go back to the Barbie don’t mention you have an empty bottle, leave the bliss a little longer before reluctantly accepting another bottle of Fosters!

You will need the following ingredients:

2 Kangaroos
1 Koala (Because they are endangered otherwise we would have suggested 2)
1 Duckbilled Platypus (remove beak)
4 Buckets of Horse Piss
3 Cups Sugar
4 Eucalyptus Leaves
1 Gas Cylinder
1 Clothes Peg

Liquidize the furry critters until smooth in texture. Pour into a barrel along with the horse piss, sugar and eucalyptus leaves. Cover barrel and leave for about a month to mature. After a month remove eucalyptus leaves and add the gas.

Served chilled (make sure you have removed any food products from your fridge as they will be quickly contaminated with the odours) with clothes peg. Suggest to your guests they should wear peg on their nose – this not only stops the odours but will have your guests speaking fluent Oz in no time.

Enjoy!

Join me next week for Imperial

Happy Birthday and…Get well Soon?

Sorry folks we have been ill for the last three days so thought I would spare you the depressing daily posts and wait until I recovered.

Here’s a summary of the last couple of days:-

Monday - Becky had a great Birthday, even though she was full of the flu. I have never seen a kid so perplexed, although did get the impression she doesn’t understand birthdays yet, by the confused and delighted expressions on her face throughout the evening. She was already excited by the prospect of just visitors!

Nan & Granddad did their usual overgenerous donation of gifts and gave presents to the other two as well. Auntie also went a little mad with a Pram, babies and books. As for me… well I won’t beat around the bush, I’m a tight arse and bought one present for the birthday girl only (I could make Scrooge look charitable!) They were all very nice presents though and very kindly received – Should keep the girls happy for a long while.

Tuesday – All tucked up on the sofa, with pillows, a duvet and two boxes of tissues, watching “Chicken Run” on the television. After that I played “Ship Simulator” while the girls continued the cartoon-a-thon with “Maisy Mouse”. I feel guilty about not doing any house work…Ok I’m lying! But I managed a whole 3 hours sleep Sunday night and 2 1/2 last night so I’m knackered!

Wednesday – Still not feeling great and had yet another broken sleep! I could barely drag myself out of bed this morning, but finally summoned up the strength. Had another fairly slow day, which eventually kicked up a gear as I started to feel a bit better. That and the house needed urgent attention – JOY!

Back to work tomorrow (YIPEE!! – I’m not being sarcastic! I do enjoy work. Mainly because I’m free of the kids, no offence girls, and can chat to adults) even if I haven’t shook off this flu. I’ve tried medicine and rest so now it’s time to try and pass it onto someone else – I know I’m too kind!

Well I’m off to play more “Ship Simulator” – I know it’s sad, but quite good fun and I’m an ace ship handler now…only sank two container ships! Plus I’m getting more action than Dan; as his ‘real’ ship is in dry-dock so he can only dream about handling one at the moment. (That should get him commenting!)

Becky’s Birthday – The Preparation

It’s Sunday and one day before our second baby Becky’s second birthday – Hah! Try saying that six times in quick succession.

I managed to stay in bed until 8:15 today, although (ironically) was awake at 7:15 wondering if I should get up before I’m forced to. It was 7:30 when I realized they weren’t going to stir for a while longer so grabbed my book “The Time Travelers Wife” by Audrey Niffenegger* and read for the next 45 minutes. There was no point trying to go back to sleep as I always feel worse waking up a second time. It was nice just relaxing for a while and waking up slow for once!

The girls did get up at 8:00 but helped themselves to the television and, as I was to discover later, the tin of biscuits I left on the kitchen bench (They were quiet so it didn’t bother me at the time). I suppose it’s my own fault as I have always encouraged the girls to be more independent - it makes my life a little easier. Katie wants to do everything by herself now including stealing biscuits, crisps and anything else she’s not supposed to, while mum isn’t watching. She’s like a young female Robin Hood, taking from the witch and giving to the poor smaller siblings. She has been caught a couple of times, although is quite sharp and says “But Mum…Becky was hungry!”

By 11:00 I finally decide I may have left it too late to make the cake…so start immediately and hope I haven’t! All goes smoothly until two keen little helpers turn up and I realize they are only interested in eating the cake mix rather than helping. (They must get it from their father, he’s always hanging off my shoulder when I bake cakes making sure, I use a spoon rather than a spatula so, there’s plenty of mix left in the bowl). They conveniently forget the biscuit theft this morning, but when I see their earnest little faces, swiftly hand them the bowl, wooden spoon and spatula (Dan’s not here so I had started scrapping the bowl – Can’t waste good cake mix!)

By 4:30 I have the cake made and iced – Good or what!? Ok it’s not very special, but the girls recognised the character, which is encouraging! The only problem I have now is finding the kitchen bench…I know it’s under here somewhere! I, and most of my family, believe I’m the messiest cook in the world. In my defence I have four different colours of icing on that cake so I had to use four bowls, four knives and two icing guns – OK it was a little OTT I suppose!

The rest of the afternoon/evening is taken up with domestic chores – JOY!! One key moment though was walking into the girls’ room to see Chelsea (the cat) harassing Katie for cuddles, while she is watching television.** (This is very unlike Chelsea she isn’t the most social cat in the world, coincidently making her appearance of the day at dinner time!) So I walk over and give her a pat while saying “You’re a big softy...aren’t you?” to which Katie swiftly replies “I’m a big softy too!” It was the big cheesy grin on her face afterwards that made me laugh out loud otherwise I would have just smiled and patted her on the head.

Finally once the girls all go to bed (and eventually go to sleep!) I get the present out of its hiding place (my wardrobe***) wrap it and position it on the coffee table for Becky to see in the morning. Yawn…time for bed I think - hoping I will achieve a good nights’ sleep…TTFN (There’s a hint to what character is on the cake?)

* Now you know where the name for the blog came from. I’m only half way through the book, but would definitely recommend reading it.

** I don’t always let the girls watch television. It’s freezing outside and I needed to get the Birthday Cake made. Normally I would suggest they play with toys, read books or go outside.

*** Why do parents hide presents in the most obvious places!! You would think we would know better, having been children once and finding our Christmas/Birthday presents in the same area.

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Census - Your life in 25 simple questions!

I decided to sit down and look through the census form tonight, to see how monotonous it was going to be? After making a large cup of tea, I sat on the sofa and gazed at the ominous looking document before me. Taking a sip of tea I read the front then turn to page 1...by page four I’m bored! So duly throw it to one side and start to formulate my own “improved” version. – Here’s a sample…I will post the remainder later – If you like it of course!?

Falkland Islands Census 2006 – We want to know everything!!

Q3. House Residents

Q3A. Do you have cat/s?

Yes (Go to Q3B)

No (Go to Q3C)

Q3B. Does your cat shit:-

a) In the front yard
b) In the back yard
c) In the neighbours yard
d) In the houseplants

Q3C. Do you have hamster/s?

Yes (Get a cat!)
No (Go to Q3D)

Q3D. Were your hamster/s eaten by the cat?

Yes (Go to Q3F)

Q3F. Did you kill the cat after it ate your hamster?

Yes

Census Delivery – Round 2

It’s a typical ‘heart leaping out of chest' morning as the alarm sounds at 6:30! I’m sure it’s not good for you to jump start mornings in this fashion – you may as well wire yourself up to the plug sockets! It has the same effect, apart from the uncontrollable hair style!

As I sit up every muscle in my body groans – I thought I might have overdosed on exercise last night!* I know it’s particularly bad when my joints creak as I crawl, like an old woman with a hip replacement, out of bed. OK…stop being such a baby and get dressed I think to myself - oow, ahh, eeh! On second thoughts…be a wimp and take it easy today!”

The girls are late at rising, which was to be expected I suppose. We get ready, head to the childminders, unload and I arrive at work on time again! This can’t be right! Maybe someone is deliberately winding the clock at work back for me? Thanks guys if you are!

It’s another typical day at work, apart from my sympathy plea paying off and scoring two cups of tea being made for me – Is it just me or do they always taste better when someone else makes them?

At 4:30 I collect the girls and head to Nanny and Granddad’s ** again (What would we do with out them – God bless Grand Parents!)

I head back down to Census base and collect the last of our areas forms and my lovely bright vest! I’m hoping not to get caught in a snow squall tonight, or be assumed a Police Officer, but after looking at the clouds looming over the South of town, while I put my vest on over my coat, I have a feeling it will happen! I should say the weather has eased up a little today, leaving 1-2 inches (from the 3 yesterday) of snow on the cars. And I know it’s not as cold tonight because my Mars Bar isn’t frozen like it was last night!

Delivery doesn’t take too long thankfully, only a little confusion as where to leave forms for half build houses and empty plots of land. I decided they should probably go back to base and be called incomplete…phew I was right! I manage to get home by 8:00pm, put the girls straight to bed and go and grab a cup of tea…or do I feel like a beer? So to save arguments with myself I made a cup of hot chocolate!

As I walk back through the house to the room I realize the chaos that is my lounge! Turn around and it has spread to the Kitchen too, surely the…nope the bathrooms and bedrooms have been hit by a bomb also. Great! I had better drink up and go do some domestic chores I suppose…

*Considering the only exercise I get in a day is walking up the staircase at work!

**We call my parents Nan & Granddad as it was too confusing having two mums in the same house.

Why do we hate Mondays?

The morning starts with a bang…well more of a BUZZ, BUZZ from the alarm clock screaming in my ear. I shove the button quite hard to express my displeasure at being woken up in such a manner.* I lie back down and look at the ceiling for a few minutes contemplating if anyone would miss me today? Just then Becky staggers in “Mum I want breakfast!” (I’m sure she isn’t even awake! – I’m certain she has a pre-recorded message embedded into her brain that is set to go off as soon as her feet touch the floor). On that note I drag myself out of bed, throw some clothes on and hit the button on the computer, as I pass to go to the kitchen.

Becky has already seated herself on the Budweiser box ** so I pat her on the head, say “Good morning” and continue into the kitchen. I grab her breakfast and make a bottle for Sarah (I figured she’ll be hungry since she didn’t wake at some silly hour this morning!) I go back to the room and check the emails…all junk – nothing new there then! I click the screen off and head for Sarah, who is starting to stir now.

When I walk over to Sarah’s bed she grins and flaps her arms and legs vigorously. Sarah is always pleased to see a face in the mornings – It must be torture being stuck in bed (Yeah torture! I think to myself sarcastically). I give her the bottle and go across to Katie. Apart from a few strands of strawberry blonde hair poking out of the duvet she is buried under the covers, so I shake the lump that I believe to be Katie.

As the monster under the covers stirs I open the curtains and get some clothes ready for after breakfast*** I bravely peek through the bars of the bunk bed to see if the monster is awake, she half opens one eye, has a big stretch, sits up and climbs out of bed. Her feet hit the floor and guess what? “Mum I want breakfast!” – I know its amazing isn’t it!

I get Kate her breakfast, dress Becky and get Sarah out of bed, now that she has finished her milk, and dress her also. Katie is good in that she can dress herself so I now have time to get a snack for school and pack the bags for the childminder. At this point I should mention this is a typical day in our house…and it isn’t even 7:30 – Where is my nice warm bed!?

I consider it a good day today, even with the 3 inches of snow covering the ground & car, as we are out of the house by 7:40. By the time I have run back and forth to the car three times it is 7:45. It only takes 5 minutes to get to the childminders, (not speeding – believe it or not!) 6 minutes to unload and 3 minutes to get to work (now speeding!) but I roll in at 7:59. One minute early! I probably didn’t need to speed!

Thankfully we have a kitchen at work (you may have not noticed I didn’t have any breakfast!) so I can catch up with myself by making a pit stop there for a cup of tea…sip…ahhh (weary sigh) Starting to feel better already! While the computer is waking up I can sit looking out my window (which I might add has an amazing view!) supping away at my tea. A little while later I finish my tea then realize the computer has been waiting for a password. Whoops…I type it in and head off to get another cup of tea.

The rest of my day is fairly peaceful. I’m far more organised at work than at home everything has its place and is up-to-date. Well it should be otherwise I would get the sack!

It’s at 4:30 when the chaos starts again…that’s when I collect the girls from the childminders and cover another six trips back and forth to the car. Normally I would shut the front door of the house and breathe a sigh of relief that we don’t have to go out again until morning! But alas there’s no peace tonight as I have been volunteered for the census delivery night.

We have to deliver a census form to every house in Stanley (Guestimate 900-1,000 dwellings – And you thought Stanley was a small town!). I think I cheered a few people up when they opened their door to a fluorescent yellow coat, grey woolly cap with dog ears, bright red face and a sprinkling of snow over my shoulders and arms. A few cheeky buggers had the gall to say “Nice night isn’t it!” – I grit my teeth and bare a smile then turn and mumble to myself as I head back down the path “Nice night! – Yeah if your sitting in your nice warm house, on your nice comfy sofa, watching your bloody boring soaps!!”…“Oh how I want to watch a bloody boring soap right now!!”

I finish my delegated area by 8:15 and head back to base where I am told the other didn’t finish and could I come back tomorrow “NO F***KING WAY!” That’s what I should have said but instead it was “Yeah No Worries!” What an idiot! I pick the kids up from Nanny’s house and get them home to bed by 9:00 (I hope they are not too tired tomorrow!) It’s 10:00 now and my bed is looking mighty comfortable so I will tell you tomorrow how “Census Delivery Round 2” goes!

Why do we hate Mondays? – Well there’s a good start.

* I shouldn’t be so harsh - It’s not the clocks fault I don’t trust myself to wake up even to the soothing sounds of FM Radio!

** We don’t have a dining table (or dining room for that matter) in our house yet – It’s on the “to do” list. The girls sit at a small plastic table with plastic chairs. We used to have two, but Dan managed to break the leg off one when he kicked it across the room after it got in his way. A few toys have been lost this way…”Death by boot!” I understand though - there’s nothing worse than standing on a sharp bloody toy, that has been left out, when you least expect it!

***There’s no point dressing the children before breakfast, especially Becky, they get covered in what ever you give them and I would only have to change them again!

Red Herring

Is no-one going to guess the odd picture out from the last post?? It's quite easy really - Especially if you live in New Zealand!!

A picture is worth 1,000 words...

...so here's 5,000!

Would you believe I haven’t had time to write a post lately?

I am only posting a few scenic shots of the FI today. The good news is they are quite picturesque so don’t require words anyway!

P.S Can you spot the red herring??

Fishery Baatrol

Hello and welcome to “Caught in the Net” Today I am interviewing…A.Sheep, who doesn’t want to be named, and the Fishery Patrol Vessel “Dorada” about their lives in the Falkland Islands.

I began with a spokes person from “Dorada” – Because ships can’t talk silly!



Time Travelers Wife (TTW): “What do you do for a living?”

Dorada Spokes Person (DSP): “We normally patrol the Falkland Islands Conservation Zones or FICZ checking that everyone is fishing legally!

TTW: “Have you ever caught anyone illegally fishing?”

DSP: “Oh yes – Quite a few times. We have two more than “SIGMA” and if they don’t catch some by 4pm on Friday they have to buy the beers!”

TTW: “How long have you lived in the Islands?”

DSP: “Who? - Me or Dorada?”

TTW: “Dorada”

DSP: “Oh about …eeeight years”

TTW: “And have you enjoyed your time here?”

DSP: “Who? - Me or Dorada?”

TTW: “DORADA! – It IS an interview with her after all!”

DSP: “In that case I haven’t a fucking clue…It’s not like I can talk to the damn ship – Is it? I mean…if it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t even get off the bloody dock and…”

TTW: “Yes! thank you Dorada - now A.Sheep can I ask you about the top secret sheep patrolling Dorada is believed to be doing?” “No-one has actually seen her in action and it is thought to be a myth, but after some photographic evidence we wanted to find out the truth for our listeners - Can you confirm it is true?”

A.SHEEP: “Mmmmm…Baaaaa”

TTW: “Umm…Is that a yes or a no?”

A.SHEEP: “Baaaaa”

TTW: “THAT’S IT! - I GIVE UP! – Why do I get all the weird interviews – It’s not fair!”

Good Night Out?

I’ve come out from hibernation with a bang!

By going out last night on a “Girls night out” and getting completely legless! Not very responsible for a single* mum I know but, having not been out for some time, it was a well deserved break and a very enjoyable night…what I remember of it anyway!

I did note a few interesting discoveries:-

Eat before you go out
Don’t drink cider through a straw!
Cocktails come out the same colour they went in! (I’ll leave this to your imagination)
No headache?? Just a little groggy and tired

I hope I didn’t embarrass myself (Gasp...or others!) too much and that Anya will let me come out on the next girl’s night – mental note…skip the cocktails!

I think Chelsea (the cat) would agree. I found her in this state when I got up this morning - She looked worse than me!

*I mean single as being single-handedly looking after three kids while Dan is in the UK working not separated!

Out of Hibernation

The meteorology department have forecasted good weather and the beginning of summer so I guess it’s safe to come out from hibernation now. I’m assuming that’s what you’re thinking since I haven’t written a post for nearly a week!

OK – I’m sorry! But admittedly I was never very good at completing my diaries - a bad habit that seems hard to shake! Every year I buy one promising to regimentally complete each day with an exciting exert of my life – Unfortunately not every day of my life is very exciting and soon I began skipping a day here or there until eventually I gave up.

I’m the same with reading (much to Dan’s dismay) If a book doesn’t grab me within the first few chapters I never finish it. In fact…now that I think about it there are not a lot of things I do finish

Maybe I’ll……………………………………..

River's of Stone & Sheep

Here’s a little glimpse of the Falklands Landscape for you.

The first clump of rocks are called “Stone Runs” the second clump of rocks are called “Sheep” - stubborn little buggers! - If you’re a farmer you will know what I mean.
I believe the second photo was taken during lamb marking, which I will explain in another post that way I can dig out some photos to go with it.

Basket Case

101 uses of a Washing Basket - #34 Baby seating area.

Here’s our youngest “Sarah” doing the washing. She can be a right pain in the arse at times – demanding bottles of milk, bum changes and just recently getting shitty when she has thrown all her toys out of the basket...haha get it!

Some days you can do everything you know to settle her down but she will go on for half an hour until, for no apparent reason, she stops screaming and is happy again. I have put this act down to testing Mum and Dads patience (Mum wins every time, but only just!) and to see how easily she can get attention

Even with two older sisters to entertain her she will not be happy some days, but I suppose they can run off and leave her behind – I understand how frustrating that must feel – All the more reason to get crawling/walking quicker kiddo!

I have to say though - it’s shots like this that make you realize what a great kid you’ve got and how you wouldn’t change them for the world – maybe a couple of million pounds???...Just kidding Sarah.