Flood!

Dan is currently away on a ship so it’s back to the old routine for the girls and me for a few days. (whatever routine that was?)

We pull up in the drive-way after work, one girl grizzling, for no apparent reason, and the other two pestering me for food before we even enter the house! So I quickly unload them from the car and traipse upstairs burdened with children, bags, mail and milk (I have contemplated getting another set of arms surgically fixed onto my torso, but I will go into detail on another post). After feeding the wild animals and making sure they were settled I head back downstairs to check on the washing machine.

This morning I had good intentions to try and catch up on the washing, only to find the washing machine isn’t draining properly. My first thought was “Not another bloody child’s sock up the pipe!” but on closer inspection it appeared the whole machine was having a bit of a spasm and verging on giving up completely!

Being a fairly practical girlie I decided to turn my hand to some basic plumbing and swap the dying washing machine for the top-loader sitting in the laundry. A thought in the back of my brain reminds me there was some problem with the top-loader, but I brush it off with “It’ll be ok by now surely”, as if it has fixed itself while sitting unused in the laundry?

So I grab a screwdriver and some grabbing things (ok…I’m practical, but I don’t know the name of the damn tools!) and head toward the pipes at the back of the machine. As I squeeze in I look up and see the power cable…oops, might be better to un-plug the machine first – water and electricity not a good mix! Using the grabby things (which I will call pliers just because it’s easier) I turn the taps to, what I believe is off. Standing up I begin to unscrew the hose link attached to the washing machine, when I hear a horrible sound of rushing water followed by a sudden high pressure leak. I quickly jam the hose back on and look back at the taps “They are definitely off – Where’s the water coming from?”

After a quick phone call to a male friend (yes I crumbled and thought a woman wouldn’t be able to answer my question…sorry!) for advice, I am lead to believe it’s only a little pressure left in the pipe and will drain away. So I go ahead and unplug the pipe…

…Five seconds later the bucket is full and water is still gushing!!!

I leave the hose in the bucket and dive back under the bench with the pliers to attack the tap. No sooner do I touch the blue plastic and it breaks off in the pliers – “Oh god – don’t panic!” Shaking frantically, while becoming completely soaked I hear mum at the front door, before I could stop myself I yelp “HELP!!” in a ridiculously high pitched voiced. She came through and immediately grabbed the hose, which had now completely overflowed the bucket, and held it in the sink above me, while I attempted again to grab the, now thin piece of, metal with the pliers and twist it to off. When I eventually get it turned off I notice the last of the water dripping onto my back – of course how typical – I only removed the drain hose from the sink coupling and water going down the plug hole was escaping out of this new gap rather than going down the drain!

So now I am completely drenched…cue the girls with more demands and whinging. Mum/Nan now leaves me to attempt the second (hot) pipe and tends to the girls. I turn back to the sopping carpet and half plumbed washing monster. Yet again I am caught by the dodgy taps, but thankfully I’m prepared and react quicker in turning the tap off to save myself from getting scolded.
Ten minutes later the top-loader is connected and washing its first load. Although I am a little weary when the water rushes back in! Thank fully though all is well and connections seem to be secure. The only evidence of my disaster being the sodden laundry carpet and fairly flushed me!

999

Today at work I answered a call from the Police Station. They informed me they had just received a 999 call from telephone number 25113, which they say was a payphone registered to the Falkland Islands Development Corp. I thought for a second then replied to the officer “But we don’t have a payphone in the building?”

Following a few minutes of debating about how that number surely couldn’t be listed under FIDC, I eventually resorted to saying I would check the building for anyone in distress and call back.

After determining everyone was ok upstairs and down – I headed back upstairs to my office. As I entered, I was told the Police had called back and found where the phone number was located…the abattoir!

So I am now left with images of a sheep escaping the pen, running for the phone, dialling 999 and screaming, “They’re going to kill us all baa!”

The Green Goblin

The Green (Blue in our case) Goblin is a super villain and has been the arch enemy of the Loveridge household for some years.

The Goblins alter ego was noticed immediately - starting it’s life spectacularly as it almost sucked the fibres from the carpet! Unfortunately this “I might be small, but I’m tough!” attitude cost him dearly. Within the first week the on/off switch broke and needed to be propped on with a lump of wood, although the Goblin carried on regardless and just saw the lump of wood as necessary accessory – like a cape or green tights I suppose.

A month later and the head breaks, the lead will not retract and you would get more sucking power from a pensioner with a boiled sweet!

Where the hell is Spiderman when you need him to eradicate this Goblin menace!

Finally after three painstaking years we gave up on Spidey, went out and bought a Dyson. As the Dyson entered the building the Goblin panicked, throwing himself off the veranda, unfortunately for him he forgot the glider!

Freedom

I have escaped capture – It was quite easy really, apparently I’m past help and locking me away in a cushioned room was a waste of their resources. Plus they wanted to use me as an example - children can drive you mad!

So now we are sitting at home enjoying our freedom over a good bottle of wine.

Am I going mad?

Occasionally I notice myself arguing with…myself, or just generally talking to myself as we right the wrongs we were doing that day. Most of the time we support and encouragement each other, while reassuring ourselves we have made the right choices.

At work today I encountered a fascinating experience when I sent an email to myself at home and received a reply, from none other than myself! She reminded me that I needed to collect the mail and forwarded on another email that was sent in error to me…umm her?

We chatted for some time about various jobs that needed doing around the house, so I am hoping she is putting these words into action. Although something deep inside tells me she won’t and the pile of dishes will still be sitting on the bench when I get home.

They say the first sign of madness is talking to yourself, but I find it useful sometimes and hell! - we have some good conversations with each other, since we completely understand where each other is coming from.

So am I going mad? Or convincing myself that I’m going mad?? Whatever the case I have a feeling after posting this there will be a knock at my door and two friendly men in white coats wanting to take me away to a nice cushioned room. I don’t care if they take me as long as they don’t forget myself too…shit! I’ll need someone to talk to in the asylum the other lot are nuts!

First Sign you're gay

Here's an email I received from a friend.Yes he is male, but no he's not gay as and is probably already trying to cut the baby out of the picture to make it better!

Writers Block!

A few of my avid readers will have noticed no posts for some time, I am of course assuming there are some sad people in the world that enjoy my crap oops I mean stories, if not I will continue writing to myself anyway.

I laughed at the thought of ever getting writers block, thinking that’s only for real writers like novelists and journalists, but would you believe, even us bloggers have our off days – weeks in my case.

I have really struggled these last few weeks for a bit to write about, which is really unusual as there is always something to write about! Surely my life isn’t that dull? Christ I know a girl whose career involves wanking sheep – there’s a whole story on it’s own there! Yet my fingers touch the keyboard and I go blank.

Of course I intend to amend this problem and will eventually (hopefully) amuse you with my stories again.