Home Brews for Spews

This week we will be brewing Fosters. This is a great beer in summer when you are likely to have a BBQ (or Barbie for our Antipodean friends).

As Barbie’s are normally outside you can easily tip your drink onto the ground without anyone suspecting you are actually dumping it. A few tips on “How to spill your Fosters without being noticed” are:-

1) Sit on a lumpy piece of ground and set the bottle down on the grass unknowingly, making sure you say “Oh shit! - What a waste” when someone informs you of your accident.

2) If there are children present encourage them to run around you and sky-lark, this way it is likely they will kick your bottle over.

3) House pets can be used in the same way as children.

4) Balance your beer on the edge of a table or arm of a chair.

5) Go to the bathroom taking your beer with you, make sure you take a sip in view of a few people (but hold it in your mouth until you reach the toilet!) this makes the illusion believable. When you reach the toilet spit and tip. Find the toothpaste, squirt a blob into your mouth and rinse with water. When you go back to the Barbie don’t mention you have an empty bottle, leave the bliss a little longer before reluctantly accepting another bottle of Fosters!

You will need the following ingredients:

2 Kangaroos
1 Koala (Because they are endangered otherwise we would have suggested 2)
1 Duckbilled Platypus (remove beak)
4 Buckets of Horse Piss
3 Cups Sugar
4 Eucalyptus Leaves
1 Gas Cylinder
1 Clothes Peg

Liquidize the furry critters until smooth in texture. Pour into a barrel along with the horse piss, sugar and eucalyptus leaves. Cover barrel and leave for about a month to mature. After a month remove eucalyptus leaves and add the gas.

Served chilled (make sure you have removed any food products from your fridge as they will be quickly contaminated with the odours) with clothes peg. Suggest to your guests they should wear peg on their nose – this not only stops the odours but will have your guests speaking fluent Oz in no time.

Enjoy!

Join me next week for Imperial

Happy Birthday and…Get well Soon?

Sorry folks we have been ill for the last three days so thought I would spare you the depressing daily posts and wait until I recovered.

Here’s a summary of the last couple of days:-

Monday - Becky had a great Birthday, even though she was full of the flu. I have never seen a kid so perplexed, although did get the impression she doesn’t understand birthdays yet, by the confused and delighted expressions on her face throughout the evening. She was already excited by the prospect of just visitors!

Nan & Granddad did their usual overgenerous donation of gifts and gave presents to the other two as well. Auntie also went a little mad with a Pram, babies and books. As for me… well I won’t beat around the bush, I’m a tight arse and bought one present for the birthday girl only (I could make Scrooge look charitable!) They were all very nice presents though and very kindly received – Should keep the girls happy for a long while.

Tuesday – All tucked up on the sofa, with pillows, a duvet and two boxes of tissues, watching “Chicken Run” on the television. After that I played “Ship Simulator” while the girls continued the cartoon-a-thon with “Maisy Mouse”. I feel guilty about not doing any house work…Ok I’m lying! But I managed a whole 3 hours sleep Sunday night and 2 1/2 last night so I’m knackered!

Wednesday – Still not feeling great and had yet another broken sleep! I could barely drag myself out of bed this morning, but finally summoned up the strength. Had another fairly slow day, which eventually kicked up a gear as I started to feel a bit better. That and the house needed urgent attention – JOY!

Back to work tomorrow (YIPEE!! – I’m not being sarcastic! I do enjoy work. Mainly because I’m free of the kids, no offence girls, and can chat to adults) even if I haven’t shook off this flu. I’ve tried medicine and rest so now it’s time to try and pass it onto someone else – I know I’m too kind!

Well I’m off to play more “Ship Simulator” – I know it’s sad, but quite good fun and I’m an ace ship handler now…only sank two container ships! Plus I’m getting more action than Dan; as his ‘real’ ship is in dry-dock so he can only dream about handling one at the moment. (That should get him commenting!)

Becky’s Birthday – The Preparation

It’s Sunday and one day before our second baby Becky’s second birthday – Hah! Try saying that six times in quick succession.

I managed to stay in bed until 8:15 today, although (ironically) was awake at 7:15 wondering if I should get up before I’m forced to. It was 7:30 when I realized they weren’t going to stir for a while longer so grabbed my book “The Time Travelers Wife” by Audrey Niffenegger* and read for the next 45 minutes. There was no point trying to go back to sleep as I always feel worse waking up a second time. It was nice just relaxing for a while and waking up slow for once!

The girls did get up at 8:00 but helped themselves to the television and, as I was to discover later, the tin of biscuits I left on the kitchen bench (They were quiet so it didn’t bother me at the time). I suppose it’s my own fault as I have always encouraged the girls to be more independent - it makes my life a little easier. Katie wants to do everything by herself now including stealing biscuits, crisps and anything else she’s not supposed to, while mum isn’t watching. She’s like a young female Robin Hood, taking from the witch and giving to the poor smaller siblings. She has been caught a couple of times, although is quite sharp and says “But Mum…Becky was hungry!”

By 11:00 I finally decide I may have left it too late to make the cake…so start immediately and hope I haven’t! All goes smoothly until two keen little helpers turn up and I realize they are only interested in eating the cake mix rather than helping. (They must get it from their father, he’s always hanging off my shoulder when I bake cakes making sure, I use a spoon rather than a spatula so, there’s plenty of mix left in the bowl). They conveniently forget the biscuit theft this morning, but when I see their earnest little faces, swiftly hand them the bowl, wooden spoon and spatula (Dan’s not here so I had started scrapping the bowl – Can’t waste good cake mix!)

By 4:30 I have the cake made and iced – Good or what!? Ok it’s not very special, but the girls recognised the character, which is encouraging! The only problem I have now is finding the kitchen bench…I know it’s under here somewhere! I, and most of my family, believe I’m the messiest cook in the world. In my defence I have four different colours of icing on that cake so I had to use four bowls, four knives and two icing guns – OK it was a little OTT I suppose!

The rest of the afternoon/evening is taken up with domestic chores – JOY!! One key moment though was walking into the girls’ room to see Chelsea (the cat) harassing Katie for cuddles, while she is watching television.** (This is very unlike Chelsea she isn’t the most social cat in the world, coincidently making her appearance of the day at dinner time!) So I walk over and give her a pat while saying “You’re a big softy...aren’t you?” to which Katie swiftly replies “I’m a big softy too!” It was the big cheesy grin on her face afterwards that made me laugh out loud otherwise I would have just smiled and patted her on the head.

Finally once the girls all go to bed (and eventually go to sleep!) I get the present out of its hiding place (my wardrobe***) wrap it and position it on the coffee table for Becky to see in the morning. Yawn…time for bed I think - hoping I will achieve a good nights’ sleep…TTFN (There’s a hint to what character is on the cake?)

* Now you know where the name for the blog came from. I’m only half way through the book, but would definitely recommend reading it.

** I don’t always let the girls watch television. It’s freezing outside and I needed to get the Birthday Cake made. Normally I would suggest they play with toys, read books or go outside.

*** Why do parents hide presents in the most obvious places!! You would think we would know better, having been children once and finding our Christmas/Birthday presents in the same area.

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Census - Your life in 25 simple questions!

I decided to sit down and look through the census form tonight, to see how monotonous it was going to be? After making a large cup of tea, I sat on the sofa and gazed at the ominous looking document before me. Taking a sip of tea I read the front then turn to page 1...by page four I’m bored! So duly throw it to one side and start to formulate my own “improved” version. – Here’s a sample…I will post the remainder later – If you like it of course!?

Falkland Islands Census 2006 – We want to know everything!!

Q3. House Residents

Q3A. Do you have cat/s?

Yes (Go to Q3B)

No (Go to Q3C)

Q3B. Does your cat shit:-

a) In the front yard
b) In the back yard
c) In the neighbours yard
d) In the houseplants

Q3C. Do you have hamster/s?

Yes (Get a cat!)
No (Go to Q3D)

Q3D. Were your hamster/s eaten by the cat?

Yes (Go to Q3F)

Q3F. Did you kill the cat after it ate your hamster?

Yes