To: FIDC Complaints Department

FIDC Complaints Department

Shackleton House

Stanley

Falkland Islands

22nd January 2007

Dear Sirs,

I have lived on these Islands for 4 hours and 26 minutes at a place called Beckside Farm. Being brought into this world by a complicated process involving grass, water and a cow, I appreciated from the start how difficult it is for a ‘longlife’ so wanted to achieve my UHT qualifications as soon as possible.

Being from a poor family of 100+ children I am unable to fund this myself and decided to hitch a ride into town and apply to you, the Falkland Islands Development Corporation, for a small loan.

Although upon arrival I discovered I was unable to open your door or ring the doorbell for attention. So I curdled up in the corner and waited for someone to pass, but alas no-one did.

I have attached a picture to prove my situation and would like to express my dissatisfaction to your entrance system. I will also be submitting a letter to the Penguin News on Milk Carton Discrimination in you company.

Yours Sadly

Semi-Skimmed 220107

The things kids say!

One evening, much like any other I settled the girls into bed, kissed them goodnight and once again asked them to go straight to sleep - Well as you can imagine that was just asking for too much!

I’m sitting at the computer writing a post for the blog when I hear the girls chattering and giggling to each other. I’m not entirely sure what they were talking about but decided by 8:30 they were taking the piss and I needed to go and remind them it was bed time by using my stern mummy’s not happy voice (although I should add this doesn’t always work).

As I head through I hear Becky say quite clearly “Are you my mummy?” I stop in my tracks just outside their door and listen. Katie replies with “No” and giggles. Then Becky continues “Well shut-up then!”

Just then a snigger snorts out of my nose and I hear the girls gasp, damn they heard me! So quickly containing myself I burst into the room and say “Go to sleep!” in the stern voice. All I can see in the dim light are two squeaky, giggly figures diving into their pillows. Once I’m sure they have settled and all is quiet, I back out of the room and move swiftly into mine where I can have a good chuckle to myself.

Ladies X-Treme Sack Racing World Championship 2006 Stanley Sports!

I have to say I’m really enjoying the holidays, although concerned that an unusually small quantity of alcohol has passed my lips this last week, considering everyone else seems to be having no trouble at all!

I decided to take some action and amble up to the crowds at Stanley Race Course to find some drinking buddies and see if I could make amends.

A quick summary of Stanley Sports:-

This is an annual event, starting on 26th December lasting three days.
Day one and two are occupied with horseracing and foot events in between (although you have to be careful not to get trampled by a horse! – Nah I’m just kidding – foot events are held between each race. The third day is Gymkhana, and noticeable by the number of nags, rather than thoroughbreds, strutting around, but is the best day as everyone is having a laugh, even the horses I think?

I have rolled into, what I thought to be, Gymkhana day but due to adverse weather conditions, on day two, the races had been delayed and they are catching up today. Not such a drama as I don’t mind watching a bit of horseracing, especially when the sun is shining and the beers are cold. Although I could have knitted a jumper the time it took the jockeys to get ready at the start line! And that’s saying something considering I can’t knit!

Because of the delays I have to admit I found the racing a bit dull and only enjoyed listening to the names of the horses spoken over the megaphone…‘See me do it’ ’Whirling Fireball’ and ‘I’m a pretty Pony’ ok I made that one up, but horse names are just about that ridiculous aren’t they? Although I would love to hear the commentator saying ‘Hoof Hearted’ in quick succession over the megaphone!

After a while of unsuccessfully finding any mates I contemplated going home when the commentator announced the next foot event ‘The Ladies Sack Race’. I recalled for a minute how, as a youngster, I used to drag my poor mother out onto the course. I stood at the fence day dreaming while the ladies lined up on the course. Just then Owen Summers (who has to be name and shamed for bullying) appeared in front of me with a sack and said “Come on Marie – there’s not enough ladies!” A little stunned having been knocked from my thoughts I unwilling took the sack and walked down the course. As I greeted the others with a half hearted (try saying that in quick succession a few times) smile I stepped into the sack and look down the course “Shit that’s a long way!” as just then PEEEEP! Went the whistle! “Shit! - jump you silly cow!” I thought and quickly leapt into action. Zoe Luxton a fairly short, but fast little bunny rabbit was bounding along just ahead. “Got to catch her – I’m not going to be last – Jump – Fucking stupid small sacks – Almost there!” Were just a few of the thoughts and quite whispers while bouncing awkwardly down the course.

After what seemed like forever I made one last leap for the line – Phew it’s over! I looked up just in time to see the last person cross the line “Yes I wasn’t last!” I think happily to myself. As I get to my feet and remove the stupidly small sack I am approached by a marshal who asks for my name – unfortunately I wasn’t quick enough to make something up and gave my real name, as he jots it down on his board and hands me a yellow rosette…3rd place…umm thanks I say as I swiftly head back to the girls.

Right kids – if anyone asks you won a running race now lets get out of here before mummy gets cornered for something worse…the wheelbarrow race!

Christmas – A Survivors Story

Sunday 24th December 11:45pm – It’s quiet…too quiet – are they asleep? Or just pretending to be asleep? Should I try and sneak in to the room and check or would I risk waking them if they are actually asleep! It’s not far now between me and my goal, I can see it in the dim light off the Christmas tree - just a few more steps and it would be mine! Slowly and quietly I tip-toe across the room, all-the-while listening intently – at last I’m there standing over my target.

A quick glance over my shoulder and a few more seconds of listening and I take my chance - I lean down and grab my prize and quickly, but quietly, scuttle off out of sight of the door and into the next room. As I lean back against the wall and sigh with relief I whisper softly “I did it!” and eye the items before me…

So where do I start…the mince pie, the beer or the carrot and water left out for Rudolph?

Munch, gurgle crunch – It’s not so bad being Santa!

Congratulations on another year of successfully stealing Santa’s treat! I think to myself as I slurp the last of the beer down.


Monday 25th December 8:00am – I wake with a start! “Who’s there?” The middle one has strayed from her den and is heading for my hideout – maybe she won’t see me? Or I’ll lye really still and she may think I’m dead and go away – It works for a bear doesn’t it?

I peer through the covers…she’s gone - It worked! I roll over onto my back and take a deep breath – just then…”Mum I want Breakfast!” AHHH!! She has wandered around the other side of the bed and is now standing there starring at me with those beady little eyes – “Ok dear” I say cautiously patting her on the head.

As I get up I can hear the others stirring in the next room – “Ok here we go!” I think to myself…Big grin…like you mean it and…”MERRY CHRISTMAS GIRLS!”

Katie runs through into the lounge and immediately notices a huge present under the tree “Waow!” I believe to be her exact words were drowned by the “MUM I want breakfast!” of Becky who just wanted some food and couldn’t care less about the presents even though the big one was for her.

I managed to convince Becky she should open some presents before breakfast – It’s not like there are a pile of presents sitting waiting to be opened everyday now is there? She agrees and is soon sitting on the floor next to Katie, surrounded by presents.

Katie can’t wait and is ripping into hers before the whistle has gone and more to the point before I can read the tags and see who they are from! Becky on the other hand didn’t seem bothered about ripping the paper off. Again with some coxing, she dug her fingers in and began the painstakingly slow process of opening her presents. Katie ‘the whirlwind’ had now finished ripping the paper off hers and decided to help Sarah in the same manner. After two minutes of flying paper, boxes and hyperactive happy children the carnage was finally over – I’ve done it…survived Christmas! Now I can relax and enjoy the holidays with the girls – We have a lot of toys to investigate…”So which My little Pony is this girls?”